Season 1 Finale! Ep45~ It's Not You, It's Me

This episode is all about a fact of life... rejection.

To begin, I discuss how the end of a significant relationship or marriage can feel like the ultimate rejection.  Sometimes these relationships end due to infidelity, growing apart, or choosing a vice over the relationship. I dive into how I experienced rejection throughout my two divorces.

Rejection can also be less significant yet it still stings.  Examples of this type of rejection are when  we flirt in person or online and it is not reciprocated.  We may be ignored after following or DMing someone.  Likewise, Dating Apps can feel like a constant source of rejection when we are not matched, ignored, or ghosted.

Sometimes we are rejected because the person we are interested in is unavailable or emotionally unavailable.  To make this point, I share a personal story from college.  I fell hard for a frat guy I was spending time with only to find out later he had a girlfriend.  Because I was young and naive (& a dumb ass) I wrote him a letter pleading for him to choose me despite my friend LaTonya's disapproval.  In the end, he ignored and rejected me.  He wasn't available!  Think about some of the rejections you've had in life.  Were some of them because the other person was in a relationship with someone else or emotionally unavailable?

One of my girlfriends experienced rejection after meeting a man who seemed to be her perfect match.  Out of nowhere, a few weeks into their budding romance, he broke things off.  He told her he was more interested in another woman.  Understandably, this rejection made my gorgeous friend doubt her physical beauty because he preferred women with big boobs and long hair.  We are all prone to self doubt when someone chooses another over us., myself included. Let's all work on being confident in our self image and not let someone else's  preferences and choices have negative impacts on our self esteem... especially when they are shallow.

Lastly, I share two rejection stories from my friends.  They are different stories but with a similar theme.  They both felt they were rejected because they didn't meet someone's social standards.  They were young but they weren't wealthy, educated, or accomplished as their suitors desired.  Their stories beg the question... Do we really want to know WHY we are rejected by someone OR is it enough to simply know that (for whatever reason) we are not what they're hoping for in a partner.

Rejection is indeed a fact of life.  We are in this together! This unique time in our lives as singles later in life is complicated! Let's support and rally around our friends as we experience rejection.  

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Welcome to man shopping with Stacy, where I share my real raw dating and life experiences for your amusement and inspiration. I'm your host, Stacy weer, and your listening to season one finale, episode 45. It's not you it's me. This episode is all about rejection and it was an idea sent to me by a listener. So thank you very much. Brandy void. Isn't it true? That rejection just is a fact of life. In this episode, I am going to share some rejection stories of my own and from some of my friends and along the way throughout the stories, I will do my best to weave in some tips and advice to hopefully take away the sting just a little bit, because let's face it. Rejection does sting. It burns, it hurts. It bruises our egos in the context of a divorce or the end of a serious relationship. Rejection is often inherent, right? Maybe there's been infidelity, whether it's an emotional affair or a full blown sexual affair. I know from experience that it is gut wrenching. I know I'm not alone on this one, but boy did this type of rejection. Make me feel like an idiot. I felt stupid. I felt like that ultimate sense of betrayal that I should have been wiser to catch onto. I just felt like I had been had, and it just made me feel small. And I also started doing all of the questioning of myself. Why, why aren't I enough? Why isn't our sex life enough? Why aren't I, you know, appealing enough, intriguing enough? Why can't I hold his attention? What is it about her? You know, then the, the story flips. What does she have that I don't have. I found myself wanting to know all of the details I wanted to know when it started, when it ended and everything in between. Uh, it was just absolutely maddening. But as I worked my way through it got counseling, had time on my side and, um, was able to process it. It didn't take very long for me to figure out, Hey, guess what? It's not about me. It's not about her. It's about him. It's his issues that led to the end of our marriage and his emotional or whatever affair that he had now. Sometimes cheating can just be the tell, you know, on a really unhealthy marriage. It happens for a lot of different reasons, but honestly, in my case, after talking through everything with my now ex I pretty, I'm sure he would 100% agree with me that he enjoyed the attention. He was a little insecure. Um, it was a familiar girl that he was communicating with. And there was a high level of intrigue between the two of them. And it just became a wild, romantic escapade between the two of them that had little to, nothing to do with me or our marriage. It was just a selfish act. And sometimes it is just that simple. And for me, that helped me, you know, get over the feelings of rejection. Once I discovered that through conversation with him and got counseling on my own, nonetheless, it was a hard rejection to get over. Of course it was, you know, sometimes our partners don't reject us because they've chosen someone else. Sometimes they reject us because they don't want to be with us anymore. Maybe this strikes chord with you, we've grown apart. You've changed. You are not the person that you were when we met, or when we married our life doesn't look anything like what you promised me, it would look like you haven't met the expectations that I had for you when you were, when we were young, you're different. Now we don't work anymore. This is all too common, too. Another very pure sense of rejection that can just be really hard to accept. And here's another really sad one that I know that some of you can relate to. Um, just like me. How about when you get rejected because your partner has chosen advice or a habit, an addiction, instead of you, oddly to me, it felt so much like I was being cheated on. I told my second, ex-husband that repeatedly throughout our marriage. It's like, you are cheating on me with booze. I don't trust you. You're lying to me. You are hiding things from me. You are manipulating me all because you put booze before me. And in the end he did reject me. He rejected my offers of help. He rejected my unconditional love and support of him. He didn't want any of it. He didn't just not want any of it. He also blamed me for everything still does to this day, actually really, really difficult form of rejection to process because there's no in my experience anyway, there's just no resolution. There's no resolution until booze is out of the picture. And I never had any control over that. And now I feel more helpless than ever because I'm not even in his life anymore. Wow. Yeah. Rejection sucks. Hmm. So think about all of those things that I just talked about, being cheated on, being told you're just not it anymore or being, being rejected because of an addiction. And they have chosen their um're poison, you know, over you. So that's hard. Most of us at this point in our life, if you're listening to my podcast have experienced that either for yourself or you've been on the receiving end, right? So you live through all of that. You get through it, you survive, you try to learn from it. Hopefully if you haven't, I suggest you just take a big pause, like a big long months and months and months, maybe years and years and years to pause. And, um, until<laugh>, you know, until you can process that I'm still doing it. I've I've been in this camp for what? Like two and a half years now. Yeah. That's why I'm talking into the microphone.<laugh> but we go through all of that rejection and then what happens next? Oh, Lordy, we put ourselves back out there again. We try to break down the walls. We let our guard down. And then we open our hearts and our minds and we're like, I'm doing it. I'm dipping a toe in the dating pool. Here we go, friends. I just got on Facebook. And I sent a friend request to this guy that I met at this 40th birthday party, like five years ago. And he may not remember me, but boy, he made an impression on me and I just did it. I just put it out there and oh my God, I can't wait. I cannot wait for him to respond. Oh, I just, I just know he's gonna ask me out because I mean, I still remember him, so I probably made an impression on him too. And then what happens? He never accepted my friend request, but what? Huh? It's me. I mean, I got game. I'm good at this. I mean, I used to be able to pick up, like, I am totally capable of landing a 45 year old accountant with a receding hairline. He should want me, like, he should be banging down my door to take me out. And then he doesn't what, what the? What is up with this? What is this weird world that we live in now? Yeah. Welcome. Welcome to dating. After divorce. Welcome to being single in your forties, fifties, sixties, plus like this is the new world we live in where it is complicated. Um, it is complicated. I'm just gonna say it's complicated. So how about that for rejection? I mean, it can just be real lame feeble attempts of reaching out on social media. I have been blown off ignored, never responded to never messaged back. Never followed hell yeah. Time and time again. And then on the flip side, there's like the slew of DMS. Like, Hey, Hey, beautiful. Hey, good morning. You know what I'm saying? That's some lame that's, that's not a lot of effort put, put into that. That does not deserve a response nor do they ever get responses to messages like that randoms in the DMS. But I have to admit there was this one guy on Instagram that totally caught my eye. It's been a while now, but he just seemed pretty intriguing. Um, I think he's good looking. We have some mutual friends. We hang out at some of the same places he appears to be single. You catch my drift. Like he caught my eye and early on, I was like, follow yeah, click that button. And so then I was following him and then I could see more of his life and, you know, draw more conclusions on my own as to who this man of mystery really is because I don't know him. I dunno him at all. I just had a little crush on him from what I could see of him and his life on his Instagram account. Right. Well, I became quite disappointed when he never followed me back. Who knows if he's looked at my photos, given me a second glance or a second thought, right. Well, a lot of time passed and then out of nowhere, he starts looking at my stories. Now truly only my single listeners are going to understand this cat and mouse game that is flirting or being single on Instagram. But, um, it just brings to mind that meme on like Tinder blog or something that, that says that modern courtship is basically women posting stories and men responding with fire emojis. I like to think that that's not true, but if I'm being honest, I wish that guy had given a fire emoji on one of my stories. Um, so yeah, I mean small forms of rejection or just that I think trying to connect with people through social media and not getting, uh, you know, an excited response back or interest at all, it sucks. And that's what most of us fall prey to, you know, a lot of times, um, while we're separated early and divorced when we're vulnerable and we're reaching out to people that maybe we dated a long time ago or had a thing for or whatever. And, um, it can be shocking and hard to accept sometimes when they reject us. I mean, then we actually go onto online dating at some point because I just can't repeat this enough. It is very hard to meet someone organically these days. And so most of us do end up, you know, trying to date through an app and, um, plenty of success stories. I am a believer in online dating, um, for a lot of reasons, but it can definitely be a source of great rejection. I think you need to handle with care. I think you need to be very cautious in your online dating practices. A story from one of my girlfriends comes to mind. Um, doesn't even matter how they met. I mean, it's a rejection story and it's, it's very common for things like this to happen in this point in our lives later in life, you know, dating with children and jobs and everything else, all of the complications. So my friend, um, met a man online and he checked all the boxes. Like all of them, everything she was looking for, he was similar in age, in interest, um, career. He also has a son just like her. Um, they like to do the same things. They're morals and social stances and political views were all pretty much on point. Um, they were very, um, this is a good one. They got along well in conversation and company. And then they were also very sexually attracted to one another. I mean, this is what, this is what our goal is when we're out there dating, she found a winner, not only that, but she discovered that he lived like less than a mile away from her. She never would've met him if it hadn't been for the dating app. So they met, they got to know one another, they spent hours and hours and hours talking. They found out loner, they were very sexually compatible. It was awesome. They were off to this beautiful start and she got that feeling like, oh my God, like this could be it. Like we align on everything like this. It was exciting. Like she finally found, um, a really, really good match. And then after a matter of weeks of dating and growing their relationship and growing closer, he came to her out of nowhere when her impression was things were going exceedingly well. And he told her that he was actually more interested in someone else that he had recently met and she was crushed. She was absolutely crushed. I can't say she's heartbroken cuz I don't know that she'd really fallen in love with him yet, but she sure had fallen in like, and I think what complicated things more is that she really viewed him as a long, you know, potential long-term partner. Um, she could envision, you know, the two of them in a life together and that's so hard to find, but as she, as I, you know, am her friend and talked with her and helped her, you know, process and work her way through it. Some of the things that I heard her say were, Ugh, I should not have cut my hair. He likes long hair. I've always had long hair. Like one of her most beautiful features is her gorgeous hair. Guess what? It was still gorgeous cut to her shoulders as it was, you know, in the middle of her back. But she was doubting herself because she knew that he was really into long hair. Another funny, weird coincidence. He's a boob guy. Well, she had recently had a breast reduction. She was like, it shouldn't have done that. Like I like you see what I'm saying? She was, she was questioning her own, worth, her own physical characteristics and everything thinking that maybe like he'd be more into her if she hadn't, you know, cut her hair and reduce the size of her boobs. I mean, I hated to hear her doubting herself and her own choices on her own physical appearance because she is such a knockout. Um, regardless of any of those things, but it's just natural. This is exactly what we do. I've been there. I've done the same thing over and over and over. Oh, I'm probably too short. Oh, I probably am a little older than he would like to date. Oh, it's probably because I talk too much. It's, you know, whatever. I think at the end of the day when we get rejected, yes, we need to be considering how we behaved, how we treated the person, all of those important, um, you know, emotionally intelligent things that we need to be working on to be better partners. But what we shouldn't do is this type of self doubt on surface level things that shouldn't matter, right. Easier said than done. How about this for a different type of rejection, a different concept for you to think about this episode led me to think about this guy that I had a crush on back in college. I was a freshman at Mizu and I was a Tridel and we were paired up with the fraternity, the PIs for homecoming festivities. So I was spending a ton of time at this FRA house and this guy totally caught my eye. He looked like a young Harry con Jr. So poultry, so smoke and hot. I remember he was a hockey player. I mean, I was into him. I was into him and I didn't even know him. It was just one of those lustful young things. And so we started hanging out. I remember distinctly sitting on the floor in his, um, room, his like bunk room with God knows how many other guys with those built in wooden beds, you know, attached to the walls. Uh, all those lofts hanging out, drinking, listening to music on the floor. I remember staying over at his place. Um, my sorority sister Meredith and me, she was into one of his friends, completely innocent. We hung out all night, drank left, had fun, kissed, like real innocent stuff, but I was totally smitten totally into him. And then I discovered that he had a girlfriend mm-hmm<affirmative> saw him walking down the street on campus, hand in hand with a girl. I didn't know. Didn't know about her. Yeah. I was crushed. I was heartbroken. Went back to my dorm room, told my friend, my roommate Latonya all about it. And she was like, move on.<laugh> like, we just got here, we're in college, like, uh, get over it. And um, you're gonna be okay girl. And I'm like, uh, no, this is, this is the one I want like, no, you don't understand. Like we have this connection. Like, I, I really want him, I don't understand why he wouldn't wanna be with me. And so I did what any other, you know, normal saying 18 year old girl would do. And I busted out some really pretty stationary and I wrote him a letter and declared, you know, my feelings and um, in my brain it was just very cut and dry that he probably needed to break up with his girlfriend. And uh, for all of these reasons, because I mean, I I'm the correct choice in this, in this instance. And yeah, I mean, it was really ridiculous. And my friend Latonya was like, please don't do it. Please. Don't give him the letter.<laugh> it's not gonna work Stacy he's he's with someone like you are like, he's not gonna pick you. You know? And I was so confident that like we had something and he, after reading this letter, he would definitely choose to be with me. Yeah. Gave him the letter and never heard from him. Totally rejected. Yeah. And why did I want to be with a boy who had obviously just cheated on his girlfriend with me? Yeah. That is called, uh, negativity and inexperience and just me being a dumb pretty much. And I have been a dumb more times. Well, I'll just tell you on this podcast, if you go back and listen, you'll hear many of the times throughout my life that I have been a total dumb and this is just one more story from college. One more example, but here's my point. This happens now I've talked about this a lot that a lot of things from our youth and from, you know, uh, things that we thought we were passed and had grown from and everything continue to cycle back, um, here after divorce and later in life, in my opinion. And I think that it's really common for married people to approach, especially newly divorced singles, be cautious of that. You don't wanna deal with that type of drama. Uh, plus it's just wrong. But also here's the deal. Sometimes we find ourselves because we're guarded and we're hurt. Just like I was back my freshman year at Mizzou, I was guarded. I was hurt. I was a hot mess is what I was. Um, but many of us are too, you know, after divorce. Anyway, here's my point. A lot of times you may find yourself choosing people who are not available or are not emotionally available, just like I did in that story. Right. I chose someone who was not going to be with me because he was with someone else. I think it's pretty common for people like me. Um, at this point in life too, to do the same thing, to repeat history and make those same mistakes that we made oftentimes when we were young. So think about that is the reason you've been rejected or are experiencing rejection right now because you have chosen to try to develop a relationship with someone who can't be there for you because they're in a relationship with someone else they're married to someone else, or they are not emotionally available to be there for you. You know, that rejection is on you for a bad choice. Think about it. Hey, at least that type of rejection is very avoidable. You just have to watch for the signs, be cognizant of it. And Hey, just tell that person that's not quite emotionally ready. That's not quite out of that other romantic relationship. You know what you do, you I'll be over here, healing doing my own thing. You do you. And when you get your straight, you know, maybe I'll be around. Maybe I won't, maybe there'll be a better time for us down the road in the future. After we both work through some stuff. That's fair. Okay. Lastly, I reached out to a couple of friends and asked them to think back into their past of rejection that they had experienced and share the story with me. Well, out of these two girlfriends, they shared an oddly similar story, but with a very distinct twist. So friend number one, shared a story from high school, a boy that she had a big time crush on. They dated for a couple of months. She felt like things were going really well. Um, but she felt like maybe his parents were a little judgey of him dating her. And then sure enough, in a short amount of time, this guy that she was really into broke up with her kind of felt like for no reason and she couldn't help. But wonder if the reason that he rejected her didn't wanna pursue a relationship with her was maybe because of social status. So by this point in high school, her mother had been divorced three times. So she was from a single parent home, not living in the big, beautiful, um, neighborhood that he and a lot of their friends lived in. She just lived a little bit of a different life, um, with her family and his family was very traditional, very wealthy, et cetera, cetera. She couldn't help. But think that maybe that was why, like she just felt like maybe he didn't think she was good enough now. I mean, who knows if that was maybe just her own doubt or insecurities or worries, or if that was the truth, but compare that to story. Number two with a different friend of mine who, um, actually she attended a wedding of an ex-boyfriend. So she dated this boy for years and years and years when she was young, he got married, invited her to the wedding. She ended up hanging out with one of their mutual friends at the wedding and they ended up dating and she had always thought, you know, he was a good guy. She was kind of into him. And so they began dating and they hadn't dated for very long before she received a phone call from him where he politely explained to her that, um, he was calling things off that they should not be together because it was very important to him that he needed to be with a girl who was more ambitious, um, had bigger goals and was better educated than she was at the time. Wow. I mean, he just flat out told her that seems kind of harsh. So after I talked to my friends about their stories, I reached back out and I was like, how did that make you feel? I mean, did, were you glad that he was blunt because that seems kind of painful to listen to? Or did you wish that he would've just, you know, been vague and said, Hey, you know, I'm not feeling it, this isn't, you know, I don't wanna date anymore. And she was like, I absolutely wish that he was more vague. It really hurt. I mean, it was, it felt like a character assault. Right. And so it just, it made all of us, the three of us kind of pause and think back, like how have we broken up with guys in our past, or for me, like in my recent past. Um, and I've, I've explored this topic a couple of times. Do we wanna know the truth of why people don't want to be with us? I think this rejection stuff is just very circumstantial, but in broad terms, I think it's best to give and to receive rejection in a direct, but very polite and kind way. I mean, after all it is a fact of life. If you haven't experienced rejection from a romantic relationship, yet, if you're single and out in the dating world right now, you probably will. And if not in a romantic relationship, then surely you have received it from a hopeful employer or, you know, in the form of a disappointment, through a family member or friend, it it's just human nature and something we all have to live through, but Hey, that's what we're all here for. That's what this podcast is all about. Being together, relating to one another in this most unique time in our lives. I'm gonna go ahead and wrap up this episode all about rejection episode 45, the season finale of man shopping with Stacy season one. It's not you it's me. And I sincerely thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your support, since the inception and launch of this podcast in may of 2021. And it's time for spring break people. That's right. I am going to take a real life spring break and a little little short hiatus from the podcast going to regroup and take some time off and come back for season two in a short amount of time, I'll announce it on Instagram. And, um, in the meantime, please consider sending me some podcast ideas. I mean, I've done 45 episodes in one season, never, um, short, you know, on subjects by any stretch, but I totally appreciate your alls. You know, what matters to you and your ideas and your own personal stories. Please, please DM me on Instagram, email me, reach out on my website, whatever makes sense. Please continue to share the podcast. This is gonna sit out there for, for all time. Um, and I, I don't feel like any of it will at any point really be dated it. This is life and I hope that it is still impactful for your friends and family and that you will share it with others. Just trying to spread some joy to singles like us. Thank you so much for listening.