Ep60 ~ Cuffing Season

'Tis the Damn Season... You can call me babe for the weekend." ~ Taylor Swift

Cuffing season as defined by Merriam Webster:
"Refers to a period of time where single people begin looking for short term partnerships to pass the colder months of the year.' Cuffing season begins in October and lasts until just after Valentine's Day.

Paraphrasing a  recent article from Today.com says that cuffing season is a seasonal phenomenon of single people ramping up their efforts to enter into relationships during the fall and winter months. Cuffing season falls into the category of situationship. For some people it's a serious relationship. For others it is merely someone to come over when you want company on cold winter nights.

Loneliness is the ultimate driver of cuffing season.  The Cleveland Clinic explains that, " When the temperature drops and it gets cold earlier there is often a change of mood connected to the chemicals of serotonin and melatonin in your body. Cold nights can trigger intense feelings of loneliness and a drop in serotonin and there may even be a link between cuffing season and seasonal affective disorder.

During cuffing season, you may inadvertently lock yourself in a relationship you don't really want to be in. If you're feeling sad, lonely, or desperate, it may not be the best way to start a relationship. Hallmark movies, holiday commercials, etc remind us that being with someone makes us feel cozy. There is a natural boost in serotonin when we're feeling romantic.

I share my own experience of being in a "quasi" relationship during 1 of 4 cuffing seasons I've been through since being separated and divorced. I rebounded during my separation with a close friend. We dated through the fall and broke up on New Years Day. We went out on dates during the holidays, we exchanged gifts, and we were cozy. BUT shit got weird too... I was invited and then uninvited to an office Christmas party. The extra time I had during my holiday vacation time also exposed some underlying issues in our relationship. My boyfriend lied to me and declined an opportunity to spend time with me as well as an overnight invitation. He had family obligations that he wasn't truthful about. Because I didn't want to spend NYE alone, I stuck it out but broke up the next day. I don't regret this one cuffing season I participated in.

I think we're way more prone to "submarining" during cuffing season. Be cautious reaching out and being receptive to attention from people you were once romantic with. Maybe it's a great time to reconnect, maybe not. Cuffing doesn't have to be for the whole season. Maybe it can be fun to go as a plus one to a holiday wedding or NYE party. You don't have to lock down. 

Personally, I don't miss getting pulled in many directions to attend a bunch of celebrations and buying gifts for so many people. I enjoy the simplicity of my holidays now when I share my energy and time with my close loved ones. I enjoy being a hermit when it's cold outside. I can cuddle with my puppy. For now, that's good enough for me. 

Transcript

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Welcome to Man Shopping with Stacy, where I share my real transparent dating and life experiences for your amusement and inspiration. I'm your host Stacy Wyer, and you are listening to episode 60 Cuffing season. Hmm. Just like Taylor Swift says, TIS the season, she goes on to say, you can call me babe for the weekend,<laugh>. It's kind of what I'm gonna talk about here in this, uh, this podcast episode. A little bit of a situation ship. What is cuffing season? Well, I'm going to define it for you. Couple of different ways. I'm also going to share with you when it supposedly starts and stops, some reasons why you may not want to get cuffed this season, as well as the pro side, why it might be potentially a good and healthy thing. I'm gonna share some of my own personal stories of dating and not dating during the holidays, and hopefully throw a little humor your way to get you through this most wonderful time of the year, understanding that cuffing season may be new terminology For some of you out there, I'm going to read you some definitions, and the first is just straight out of the Miriam Webster dictionary, where it says that cuffing season refers to a period of time where single people begin looking for short-term partnerships to pass the colder months of the year. Cuffing season usually begins in October and last until just after Valentine's Day, paraphrasing. Now, a recent article on today.com, they say that cuffing season is a seasonal phenomenon of single people ramping up their efforts to enter into relationships during the fall and winter months. Cuffing season falls in the category of situation ship. For some people, it's a serious relationship for others, it's merely someone to come over when you want company on cold winter nights. So they say that cuffing season, it starts in the mid to late fall and extends through winter. In other words, if there's a chill in the air or snow on the ground, it's cuffing season. Okay, so I'm also going to use the same article to explain why this cuffing season exists. Of course, they pinpoint that it mainly comes down to loneliness. Now, since this research of mine is taking a turn toward mental health, I decided to consult the experts<laugh> at, at Web MD from an article on, uh, September 29th, 2022. Look at me with all of my current, current research. So, um, they<laugh>, I like their definition. First of all, of cuffing season, cuffing season. It says, cuffing season is the search for someone to shack up with or exclusively date during the holidays in colder winter months, it's a time when casual dating shifts to more exclusive, committed dating. It's about enjoying the warmth of a cuddle buddy instead of venturing out into the cold to meet up with potential dating duds. So this is a common theme in most of my online research, um, that we just really need cuddle buddies,<laugh>, and someone to stay indoors with instead of getting out in the cold looking for someone to, uh, you know, snuggle with or, or whatever. So, moving on now to the, uh, Cleveland Clinic, who I know I am not a research journalist. Um, I was just astounded at the number of articles recently written on this topic of cuffing season. In fact, the Cleveland Clinic article that I'm referencing came out in October of 2022, and it's eight strategies for dating during Cuffing season. So they, what I like about this article is they give the science, right? This is the Cleveland Clinic, and they talk a little bit about the science behind cuffing season, which I will attempt to paraphrase again for you. So this says that when the temperature drops and it gets cold earlier, there's often a change of mood connected with the two chemicals of melatonin and serotonin in your body. Cold nights can trigger an intense feeling of loneliness and a drop in serotonin, and there may even be a significant link between cuffing season and seasonal effective disorder. So, seasonal effective disorder is a type of depression that's triggered by a change in seasons and environmental stress. The winter blues is a milder version of the same condition, but usually seasonal effective disorder affects your day to day life. So you experience this depression nearly all day, almost every day during specific seasons. So if you have s a d, you tend to lose motivation and activities you love, feel lonely or more fatigued and are more withdrawn. And though it can also be triggered by the onset of summer, it's often most associated with winter because of holiday stress and harsh weather conditions. So since cuffing season only lasts as long as the fall and winter months, relationships that begin during cuffing season are often short term or temporary and last as long as the season itself. So that's kind of the point, right? Um, it says here, be warned, the downside to dating during cuffing season is that you some, that sometimes you might intentionally or unintentionally lock yourself into a relationship you don't really want to be in. I mean, isn't that the point here? I mean, if you're feeling sad, lonely, and or desperate, or in a hurry to lock down a relationship, whether that is to get into a new relationship or to, um, expedite or make a relationship more serious than it has been considered in the past, yeah, that, that tends to be a little bit risky. So this Cleveland Clinic article recognizes that, and it says that, you know, dating and relationships are different for everyone, and that's especially true during cuffing season when all eyes are on couples. We see loving relationships plastered in every Hallmark holiday movie. We're often fielding questions of our relationship status from friends and family while mingling around the dinner table. And if we are feeling lonely, we may consider dating if only to fulfill our short term need for companionship and intimacy. So true. And it also gives another medical reason, um, you know, for this desire for connection, it says, being with someone makes us feel cozy. There's that word again. It creates a natural boost in serotonin that feel good chemical in your brain. And having someone to bring with you to a holiday event or family gathering can alleviate a lot of dread and anxiety. I mean, susu,<laugh>, I don't know. I think taking someone randomly to a, to an event could actually create a ton of anxiety. But that's just me. I mean, while I'm at it whispering about my own experiences, I'll just go ahead and tell you, um, this will be my fourth holiday season as a single lady and only one holiday season. I was in a quasi relationship. And that happened to be my very first holiday season where I wasn't even divorced yet. Yeah, I was separated going through a very hard time. I've talked about this quasi relationship repeatedly throughout this podcast. If you go back and listen to my rebounds episode or a myriad of others, I connected or reconnected, should I say, with a very close childhood friend of mine while I was going through my divorce. He, uh, told me he was

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Separated

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Too at the time. Um, that

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Is still out for debate. However,

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I, I'm talking about him and bringing, bringing, bringing him up again because we

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Dated through the holidays.

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And so this is my little

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Bit of

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Cuffing season, uh, of being cuffed, okay? During cuffing season. And when I'm thinking back on that time in my life,

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So

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There were some benefits, right?

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Like

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I remember he took me over, um, to

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A little holiday

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Gathering at his business partner's place. He happened to live in a beautiful condo, um, overlooking the city,

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Had a beautiful patio. We ate great food,

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We drank great drinks.

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We had all the holiday cheer. That was lovely.

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That was a nice, that was a nice little holiday night out. Um, we bought

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Gifts for each other. That brought out a little

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Bit of anxiety

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Because it's like,

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Okay, we'd been seeing each other for a couple of months.

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What do you buy

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A 40 something year old man who has everything? It's not the easiest. Um, but

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We

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Did have fun exchanging gifts. Um, so that was, you know, I guess

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I'll, I'll chalk that up to the positive side

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Of things. Um, but

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You know what? got

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Weird. Um, with dating during the holidays, I think can bring about

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Like a little bit of extra pressure, if you will. Like, there was talk about

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Me attending his

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Office,

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Christmas party, and, um, I mean, if we're just throwing out stupid term terminology, I guess during this podcast

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Episode,

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I guess

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You could say, like, he's a big wig. Is that a stupid word or what? He's like a

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Big wig. And his

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Office

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Was having a small gathering and he had talked about it multiple times. And then at the end of the day,

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Guess what?

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I did not get an invite

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<laugh> to the, uh, to the office Christmas party. So,

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Well, that was strange.

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So,

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I mean, there was

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A little bit of

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This weirdness back and forth. Um, it was the end of our relationship. We didn't, we didn't make it very

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Far.

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Well, we made it to new,

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Okay,

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That's how far we made it into cuffing season. Um, and I

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Will tell you

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The extra time, um, that I had on my hands, because

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I

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Had, you know, vacation time around Christmas,

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It

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Led to some interesting turns of event. I guess.

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Like

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It kind of started

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To expose

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Some

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Holes

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In our relationship,

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If

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You will. One was

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The holiday party

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Of getting invited and uninvited. Another

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Was a, a lie that he told me about how

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His, um, how his son had basketball, like the day after Christmas or something. And so he couldn't get together with me, which just was not true. Um, and then there was this big falling out, which went something like this. Um, Laney was supposed to be meeting up with her dad to spend Christmas with him, um, probably beginning on the 26th. That's usually how we roll. Um, meaning that I would drive her halfway to meet her father so that she could spend the holidays with him, um, on his time. And she came rushing into the room where I was with my boyfriend, and she's like, mom, mom. She's like, dad's gonna be able to pick me up in Kansas City. You don't have to drive me tomorrow. He's gonna be here tonight instead. And so I looked at my boyfriend and I was like, ha ha ha, that means you can stay that night tonight, buddy body. And he looked at me, oh, no, no, I can't, I've got a meeting early in the morning. I was like, say what? He's like, oh, well I have to meet, I have to meet this, you know, whatever important businessman, we'll just call him that. An important businessman for breakfast downtown, first thing in the morning. And I was like, and, and you can't go there from my place. Like, what's the problem? There was no problem. Essentially, the guy was not separated or divorced. I think he was like in an open marriage. But anyway, cuffing season, right? So extra holiday time on your hands invites opportunities to spend extra time. I was all about it. Clearly he was not, we were not on the same page. So we got in an argument, if you will, he was like, are you mad at me for not staying over? And I was like, yeah. I mean, yeah, I was mad, but I was like, what gives, like, I have never invited a man to sleep over. And he's like, Nope, can't do it. Sorry. Like what? Like really? You're not gonna stay over like, what's wrong with you? So, um, yeah, women, you can relate, I'm sure I'm sure of this. So anyway, um, that caused, uh, the beginning of the end of us. But funny enough, this is how this, this bear with me. This story kind of comes back around to this idea of cuffing season and where my head was at emotionally during this time in my life, um, specific to this seasonal disorder,<laugh>. So I knew we were over, like, there were multiple times where I felt as though he was not being honest with me. I didn't feel like maybe it was an appropriate time to be dating as I wasn't divorced yet. And I was getting the feeling that he was nowhere near, um, getting divorced himself. So I knew that it was time to call it off. But you guys, I didn't wanna spend New Year's Eve by myself. Like, we had made plans together for New Year's Eve, and I knew if I could just kind of like, you know, kinda sweep these issues under the rug for like another day or two, like we could have a fun time on Chris or on New Year's Eve together, and, and then whatever happens, happens. Or there was a tiny bit of, like a tiny part of me that thought maybe he could, you know, like rectify the situation somehow. Like maybe we would have some big breakthrough conversation and, and maybe, maybe we had a chance, right? So we stayed together for New Year's Eve, and he, he had gotten me up. He, he knows me well, guys, he got me a pasta maker. That was one of my Christmas gifts. I was freaking hell bent on making homemade, uh, I think it was like crab and lobster raviolis or something. I made this crazy spread of food, um, drinks all of that. And then you guys, it was awkward. You wanna talk about how cuffing season can get awkward? We were on the verge of a breakup and stayed together, like to avoid, not to avoid being alone on New Year's Eve. Okay? So it started off great because it started off for like hours in the kitchen, my favorite place, right? Like, that's my happy place. So I totally enjoyed cooking for him. There's this overwhelming, like, underlying resentment. Yes, yes. There was, like, we had unresolved issues that I was trying to not, you know, I was just kind of trying to ignore for the evening. So as I remember it, we enjoyed the food, we made light of things. We had a good evening. We basically did what you're supposed to do, I guess, in cuffing season, which was, we like snuggled together in bed. And that was the only thing that happened in bed that night, because there was this awkwardness of like, what the is going on here? Or we're not, this is not working anymore. This is, this is not a good idea to be like, to be together. So, um, we broke up on January 1st, which happened to be five days before my birthday, my first birthday of being single. In fact, I was smack d in the middle of my divorce. It was almost final. It was a tough, tough, tough time, you guys, it was depressing. Thank God my girlfriends were there for me and like showed up real big on my birthday. Like, like seriously, like, met me out for, for like happy hour at the Capital Grill. Got me a gift card to go out to dinner with my daughter. Um, the quasi boyfriend actually sent me a beautiful bouquet, which was, which was gorgeous. Um, I, I survived. I guess that's what I'm trying to say. I survived. So I guess when I look back on that one and only cuffing season that I have experienced, I don't regret it. I wouldn't change it. Um, I totally, totally enjoyed the fall and early winter with him. Um, we did a lot of fun things and he definitely kept, kept me company and he offered a lot of really solid advice. And he knows me really well. And, um, despite the unusual and circumstances of us being together in a romantic way, I have and probably always will consider him to be a friend. So, so that was it for me. Um, and I, I don't, I mean, it's a little weird because I wasn't divorced yet and I was dating a friend of mine, basically. But I think that that's kind of often what happens in cuffing season. I mean, speaking from like more recent events in my life, I definitely, I mean, I, I joke about submariners a lot on this podcast. Like I do it. I, I definitely have reached out to men that I've dated in the past. Um, not necessarily like to get back together or to give things another go, but just because something made me think of them or, you know, I remembered them fondly in a moment, or, you know, saw something online that I thought maybe they would think was funny or something, you know what I'm saying? Like, people pop back up that either you've had like romantic interludes with, and I think that we are way more prone to give and receive, um, that type of communication during cuffing season. So just watch yourself, like really think about it. Like, do you want to open up the door to someone that you know, you once dated because it's easy, convenient, you know, they'd take you back, whatever the scenario or might you be, um, better off, you know, doing what I'm gonna do this year, which is snuggle with my puppy on the couch. I mean, it's, there's a lot of really great things about just having a dog on the couch with you. You know, I mean, they're sweet and adoring and affectionate and don't talk back and don't have, you know, very high expectations, just that, you know, you feed them and let them outside. It's pretty easy. That's the way I'm gonna go. So I guess I made that point somewhat clearly to be cautious of getting lured back in to, um, you know, to, to locken it down with someone that you've already decided, uh, wasn't a good partner for you. Be cautious when you're vulnerable, when you're isolated, when you're lonely, we tend to make real decisions. Um, now on the flip side, if, if it's, you know, uh, cuffing doesn't have to be for the whole season, maybe it is like Taylor Swift song where, you know, you can just call me babe for a weekend. I don't know. I think that that's kind of, um, can be, can be healthy and normal behavior too. Um, I'm not above like asking a guy to be my plus one to something if I, if I wanted, I haven't really done that. Like, Hey, I know we haven't talked in a few weeks, but I got this thing that would be really nice to, to have a date to you. I haven't done that, but I could see myself doing that. Um, I also could see myself agreeing to being a plus one, um, to someone without a lot of expectation behind it. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I don't think that, um, you, again, you have to get all locked down just because you, um, want to have someone, you know, attend a holiday party or something, or a wedding or whatever, like big deal. Like, yeah, I mean, I don't mind a reason to like get dressed up and go out and have a good time. I don't think there's anything wrong with that at all. We talk about some of the benefits, you know, of cuffing. I mean, yeah, the, the coziness maybe it is in some ways good for our mental health. Um, you know, and we talk about the social norm of having a plus one. Okay. But, you know, there's a lot of reasons I think, um, that not, not, um, participating in cuffing season is, uh, maybe a good idea too. One of, one of the things that I think about, um, I think that the holidays do bring about more expectations and stress for all of us in some ways. Even like, I enjoy, I love Christmas, like I enjoy the holiday season. I don't think I overdo it like, you know, to where I'm stressed or like feel the winter blues like we talked about earlier. But, um, I sure don't miss getting pulled in a bunch of different directions. Like when I was married to my second husband, um, both of our sets of parents have been divorced and in three of the four cases remarried. So you have all these grandparents, you know, wanting and expecting time with grandchildren. That also meant he had a large extended family of lots of cousins and other people that he would get together with. So we've got like all of these gifts to buy. We seriously spread Christmas all the way until February one year because it was just too complicated to get together with, with so many family members. It's crazy. But, um, I don't miss getting pulled in all of those directions. And I think it would be kind of weird to be the new-ish girlfriend, like at the holidays getting introduced to everyone, because I feel like that kinda sets an expectation like, wow, she's Thanksgiving, holy, you're spending New Year's Eve together, or, you know, it's just kind of, uh, kind of, uh, a lot. I think, um, I mean, it could be fun and exciting if it's the right person. And, and it's, you're off to a good start, don't get me wrong. I mean, that sounds sounds like a good time too, but I think, um, in some instances it could just, um, induce a lot of extra stress and potentially distract from your own kids and your own family. I have been very much so enjoying just focusing on, um, my immediate family since I've been single, strengthening those relationships, having time to, um, to visit, you know, both my mom and my dad's side to show up for things, to be there for my close friends, to not miss out on as much because, um, you know, it's kind of inherent right in a marriage that you share your time with your in-laws. And so I loved my, um, my ex-husband's family and all of that, don't get me wrong, but now that they are not part of my life, um, I've very, very much so enjoyed, um, the benefits of focusing just on the people that are near and dear to me. And I don't know if, I guess men can probably relate to this as much as the ladies, but I mean, I love, I love becoming a hermit in the winter. I don't put makeup on on the weekends. I mean, this weekend I did get out and have fun with some friends, um, on, um, black Friday or Friday after Thanksgiving. But I'm recording here on Sunday evening, and the only places that I have gone yesterday and today, Saturday and Sunday, are seriously the dog park and the grocery store<laugh>. And that means my friends that I have not worn makeup, put contacts in, fixed my hair, none of that. And, um, that's kind of my favorite way to be. And I love a Snowden day. I, I love just slowing down and I not even gonna call it lazy, because I've been very productive during my time, but it's just like, I don't mind it. I, I guess, um, I do occasionally get on, get in a funk when I stay at home. Like Laney was at her dad's all weekend, so I was by myself. Um, I tried to find things to keep myself busy. Like I just said, I, I had a friend, um, a close friend invite me to go do something fun on Friday, and I was like, kind of torn, like I didn't even know if I wanted to get out. And it was fun. I was like, I texted her back and I was like, you know what, I'm gonna come and then I'm probably not gonna leave my house the next, you know, the next couple of days<laugh>. So, so thanks for getting me out of the house, you know, and I'm so glad that I went cuz it was fun. But, um, you know, there's, there's something nice about having all of this time to myself to do whatever it is I want to do. One of the things that I did actually on Thanksgiving evening after I got home from visiting my family, um, out of town, I did a Facebook Live for a friend of mine. She has a whole platform on TikTok, TikTok and a website and Instagram called the Unplanned Chapter. And she is a life coach and specifically works with single moms, um, with like co-parenting, divorce, um, challenges, things like that. And I, I really, really love her. And so she asked me if I might get hop on Facebook Live and like have the perspective, like a dating perspective, basically like gonna, you know, talk about my podcast a little bit and have something, something to talk about that has to do with, you know, dating, um, or the romantic side of things. So I did, I popped onto the Facebook Live and I, I talked about cuffing season because I knew that's what I was gonna be recording about this weekend. So it was on my mind and I had, I had already put some thought into it. Um, but, you know, I'm telling you about doing this Facebook Live really because it gave my weekend a a little bit of meaning, like it felt good to give back and to, you know, the whole purpose of what she did on her Facebook page with the unplanned chapter was to try to provide support and encouragement and company, especially for moms who were spending maybe their very first Thanksgiving without their kids. Um, or, you know, just women who were, um, home alone throughout the day. And I was just one of many people who contributed, but it's like, it kind of brought me back to my roots of like, why am I doing this podcast? Um, some of it is self-serving. I'm, I'm always very honest about that because I'm learning so much from, from, uh, voicing all of these<laugh> thoughts in my head. Um, but a, a good bit of it is hopefully to help spread a little bit of optimism and, and share in my experiences so that people can learn from my mistakes and maybe take a little bit of what I've done right? Um, here and there,<laugh>, it's spotty, it's spotty at best people, but occasionally I make good choices and, um, and hopefully, hopefully others can learn from that too. So I guess what I'm trying to say is like, here it is Thanksgiving weekend and I've found some opportunities to just really enjoy my time alone. And did I mention that I went to the dog park twice? Yeah. Yeah. That's because obviously I'm spending cuffing season with my puppy Rip mm-hmm.<affirmative>. That's right. So per usual, I don't really give advice on this podcast. That's intentional, believe it or not. I kinda like just sharing stuff I've been through, my friends have been through, there's plenty of advice and dating coaches and experts and so-called experts, um, that you can go to for real advice,<laugh>. But, um, this podcast and this episode is really just to kind of throw some stuff out there and make you think, and I hope it has done that. Um, this episode about cuffing season, I'm gonna leave you with one last thing that I saw online because I think it is really freaking funny and it is cuffing season a timeline. I will definitely be sure to put this out on my Instagram. Um, if you don't follow me, it's Stacy with an i ere weer, w i m e r. I will put this on a story and hopefully I'll post it, um, as well because I do think it's pretty cute. So it's, um, like the whole X and y access thing. And so the vertical access says it's titled the Desire to Be Cuffed. And then the horizontal access are the months of the year. So it starts in January. And if you can visualize this, um, it's a you, it's a U shape. So it starts high, it goes to its low point in the middle of the year in July, right? And then it rises back up toward the fall and winter months again. So it's a U shape. So at the beginning we're in, you know, Jan January is on the left of the horizontal access in December is on the right. So in January we're up at the height of the u on the left side it says you make a New Year's resolution to put yourself out there. And then there's Valentine's Day. Then by the time we get to march, the weather gets above 50 degrees. And then April it says rooftop season begins July hashtag hot girl summer. That's the low point, right? And then in September the PSL returns to Starbucks and we all know what that is, right? The pumpkin spice latte for all of us basic. Okay? Then we get to October, November, it says someone posts on Instagram about their apple picking excursion. Then there's the first day of fall in September, I guess is where we're at. And then at the very height it says, aunt Carol asks for updates about your love life. Isn't that just how it goes? I thought that was kind of cute. So I'll post that you guys, I just realized by the time this podcast, um, airs in just a few days, it'll be December 2nd. Are you kidding me? Ugh. Holy cow. So, um, so I will continue to do some holiday themed episodes to, uh, to hopefully get us all through this, you know, cold, dark, depressing winter months with a, with a little bit of holiday cheer left in us, and, uh, some, uh, jolly belly laughs along the way. Hopefully. And as always, thank you so much for listening to Man Shopping with Stacey episode 60, cuffing season.