Ep43~ I've Gotta Have Faith

I'm often asked if I'm scared to grow old and die alone? My answer is always "NO!".  A huge source of my peacefulness and optimism for my future is my faith.  

This is an inclusive podcast, so if you believe in any higher power, I hope it resonates with you too.

I believe in love. I believe that God has chosen a compatible match for me. I am patient. I will not settle for a relationship that is not a good match.  That wouldn't be fair for either of us. 

In this episode, I share how my faith has provided me with strength, hope, and courage throughout my divorce and time as a single person. I walk in faith every day and am never alone because God is always there. I challenge you to think about your faith and how it can transform your outlook on life. 

I share a powerful story from my stepdad, Barry.  His story make a firm point that we must first find forgiveness, healing, and work on ourselves before we can be a good partner for someone else. Skipping this step will likely lead to more heartache for everyone involved.

Admittedly, I've made plenty of bad decisions in life. I've made bad choices that have led to a lot of pain.  I'm still learning, seeking forgiveness, and developing myself into a better person.

Lastly, I share another wise lesson from Barry about what he calls "The big lie".  "The big lie" is what we tell ourselves and others... "I'll be more fit. I'll be a better parent. I'll be more responsible with money. I'll be sober .... ONCE I'm in a relationship or IF I find a partner. I've lived this big lie and I bet a lot of you have too.

I hope that this podcast makes you think.  I hope you examine how your faith can bring you more hope, more peace, and more optimism. 

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Welcome to man shopping with Stacy, where I transparently share my dating and life experiences for your amusement and inspiration. I'm your host, Stacy weer, and you are listening to episode 43. I've gotta have faith. I am often asked by married and single people alike. Stacy, are you worried about your future as a single woman? Are you scared that you are going to grow old and die alone? I'm laughing because here's the deal. I'm not scared. That's always my answer. I'm content. I'm happy in my aloneness. And I'm optimistic that I'll find love again. One day after a lot of self-reflection, I've determined that a good piece of my attitude and outlook on life is directly related to my faith. I am a Christian. And in this episode, I'm going to explore the influence. I believe God has on me as a single person, and I'm going to share some stories, some wisdom that my stepdad Barry has shared with me over the past few years. And I want to make you think, how does your faith impact or decisions your feelings about your future? This is an inclusive podcast and there's no judgment here. If you believe in karma, Buddha, ALA the universe, anything higher than yourself, these stories I hope will resonate with you too. After all the definition of faith is complete trust or confidence in someone or something. In my case, it's God. I believe in love. I believe that God knows that there is someone out there that he has chosen for me to be my equal, a compatible match for me to one day share life with now I'm patient dare I say, I am pragmatic. When it comes to this topic, I won't settle for a relationship with someone who is, isn't a good, healthy match. That wouldn't be fair for either of us. Wouldn't, it's very painful for me to hear other friends talking about dating relationships that they're in since their divorces with people that they don't trust people who cheat on them, people don't prioritize them or treat them well. They found themselves making excuses to stay in the relationship, to put up with it, to hope that things take a turn, things will improve. Things will, things will get better over time, but they're staying with these boyfriends and these girlfriends in my opinion, because they would rather fill the hole in their heart with someone than be alone. This may very well be the first test of faith. The we encounter after divorce. It's the test of being alone. Do you walk every day in the world alone or do you have a faith that walks along beside you? For me? I walk in my Christian faith every day. I'm a total SAP and I'm tearing up just reading the lyrics of one of my very favorite hymnals from the church that I grew up in. Some of you will know it it's often called in the garden, or he walks with me when I Googled it just now so that I could see the lyrics again. I noticed that Merle Haggard has a version out. I don't even know if I've ever heard it, but I bet it's a really good one. Um, I'll listen to it after I'm done with this, but the lyrics. And if you know them, you're already singing them in your head. And he walks with me and he talks with me and he tells me I am his own. And the joy we share as we Terry there, none other has ever known this was played at my grandmother's funeral. And that's part of why I'm falling apart right now. But it's also a really strong point for all of you. I don't feel a alone for a lot of reasons. I talk a lot about how close I am with my daughter, with my parents, with my brother, with my family. I have this wonderful network of supportive friends. That's all true. But even if I did not have any of them and I was in total isolation, I would still have God. That's the difference that faith makes in someone's life. Again, if it's God, if it's the universe, if it's Buddha, aah, what ever your faith is in. If you have that, you know what I mean? Because you are not alone either, right? So full disclosure. If any of you haven't listened to much of this podcast before I've made my fair share of poor choices over the, over the course of my life, I've been a plenty of what I would call toxic relationships. I have had casual sex on random dates with random guys. I have made some poor decisions and I own all of that. And I am growing and I am trying to make better decisions and I'm getting there guys, and I'm gonna bridge over to a story that was shared with me by my stepdad, whom I love and talk about life and love and God and relationships with all the time. You see my mom likes to sleep in a lot and this affords my, my stepdad, Barry and I, a lot of time to talk over coffee while she's snoozing away. And we have four, quite a friendship over the course of their 10 year marriage, which by the way, they met on a dating app in their mid fifties people. So see there is faith and hope for all of us, but in keeping with this message of faith, I am going to read to you, um, an email that was shared, shared with me by my stepdad, Barry, after a conversation that we had had. So these are Barry's words, and I'm going to try to do them justice to give a little context. Barry is referring in this email to a men's group that he begrudging joined at a church after, um, an ended relationship. So now you may be able to follow where I'm going. Okay? So I'm gonna read, I'm gonna read part of this. The Barry says, I believe God does not intend for us to navigate through this world alone. That being said, he also cares for your partner as much as he cares for you. One of my favorite memories from our men's group is related to this topic. Part of why I continued to go to the classes was because there were no facades. Everyone was honest. Sometimes brutally honest, there was a guy in our group that was just dragging. He was so desperate that you almost had to scrape him up off the floor. His wife, maybe his girlfriend had left him and he wasn't coping at all. I'm sure he was in constant prayer asking for God to find him a partner. He said to the group, I just don't understand why God won't help me find someone I'm guessing he was expecting sympathy or pity, but that's not what happened. Instead. One of the guys in the group just blurted out because you're a mess. God cares about her too. He's not going to dump all of your problems on your next girlfriend, fix yourself. And he'll help you. Barry goes on to say that response did not include much grace, but it sure included a lot of truth. It's really important. And to remember this, yes, God loves you and forgives you, but he also loves your partner. If you are alone, because you are caught cheating, have addictions of all kinds, anger issues. The list is endless. God, isn't just going to pass those problems to someone else. He wants you to get better. One thing that is absolutely true. You may find a new partner without working on any of these issues, but it's you doing it? Not God. You can bet this relationship will fail. Just like the last one. If you ask God to forgive you for your past mistakes, but you make no effort, stop making those mistakes, you can bet history will repeat itself. Wow. Um, that's pretty profound. I love that point. That God cares about your partner too. Hey, maybe it's not all just about us right now. This is the work that I about so much on this podcast. I'm over here doing the work people I'm over here growing I'm on this journey. I mean, like I say, these words all the time on this podcast, because I live it, I'm literally trying every day to be a better version of myself, to be a better person, to understand why I, I am the way I am so that I can be happy in my aloneness so that I can be, um, kind and openhearted and successful in my job and, and things like that. But I, I also do want to be a good partner for someone else down the road. And I recognize that I have a whole lot of hurt to heal. I have a whole lot of tendencies and ways that I behave, um, within relationships that I need to work on. So maybe this little example, this little story from Barry's men's group resonates with you too. I hope so. The next point is a really strong one that I'm going to make along here with Barry. I'm gonna read some more, um, of his email, but you know, I talk a lot about, I've even said it in like trailers for this podcast, like enjoy your life right now as it, it is right now. Well, why do you think I say that? I mean, this is our reality. I am a 44 year old single mom. I have a life to live. I have dreams. I have things that I wanna provide for my daughter. I have experie that I'm not gonna wait to, to do with a partner someday. I mean, maybe if I'm lucky, I'll get to do some of this stuff again, but you see what I mean? Like life is for living it's it's not for holding out it's, you know, you know, from the, from the standpoint yes. Of learning and growing, just like Barry's example was all about, but also just for living, like don't hit pause just because you haven't found your person yet. Okay. Time to share time to share more Barry wisdom with you. So I'm gonna read from this email again. So Barry says he has another point that he wants to make. He wants to be really, really clear that he's not judging anyone, but it would be less than honest. If he didn't say it, he says, we tend to all believe the same big lie. We tell ourselves that if we had partner, we would be different. I would work harder. I would go to the gym. I would quit drinking or smoking or doing drugs. I would spend my money more responsibly. I would be nicer to the kids. I'd be a better parent that, that, you know, the list is endless. So he says, you were just kidding yourself. If you think that will change, just because you have a partner, he says, address your issues. Now you do it. You own it. I'm not suggesting you need to live a perfect life. None of us will ever do that. But if you do an honest examination of yourself, you know, where the changes need to be made people that get better and find some peace and happiness have discovered that it is a big lie and have done something about it. He goes on to say that you see examples of this big lie while couples are struggling, but still together, can you relate to this? This is a rhetorical question to me. The wife is set a very nece, uh, necessary boundary because her husband is drinking too much driving while intoxicated. He's referring to my second marriage. She makes it clear that she is leaving. If he doesn't stop, the first response is always denial. But when they realize you are serious, then they agree to it. But they only agree to do it. If you stay it's a lie, they are still drinking. So you leave, what do they say? If you come back, I'll quit drinking. How often have you heard? If you come back, I won't hurt you anymore. We all know what usually happens. So that obviously strikes accord with me. That is the exact thing that happened. That was the ultimatum at the end of my second marriage. And it is a big lie and it sucks. Okay. So I'll keep going. So he says, I want to caution your listeners to think about the big lie from both perspectives. This is where it gets different people. He says, do some self-reflection and take advantage of your time alone. It will pay major dividends in your next relationship, but also be very careful in your next relationship to make sure you are not part of their big lie. Many single people have no desire to do any self improvement. They just want another partner to continue their whole harm, harmful lifestyle with please don't be that partner. Does that make sense? If we don't do the work on ourselves, we are just going to hurt someone else. And if we choose to be in a relationship with someone else who doesn't, who hasn't done the work, then they will likely leave us brokenhearted or hurt or in a bad unhealthy relationship. You guys, this is, this is where it's at. This is the hard stuff. This is part of the complication of dating later in life, because we are a sum of all of our experiences. It's not baggage, we're not broken. We're not used, we're not damaged goods. We're all just people trying, trying to get through life. And I really, really do believe that faith has served me well in this journey. My faith gave me a lot of strength that I didn't know I had at the end of my marriage. It gave me the strength to be honest, to be bold, to carve a new path for my daughter. And for me gave me a whole lot of peace and comfort during a really, really sad time. My faith made me brave. I tapped into pieces of my heart and soul that had been suppressed for a long time. I started writing. I started sharing my thoughts on this podcast with people across the globe that I don't know mean that's faith. I dad doing this on my own. This isn't just Stacy talking over here. Uh, no, I promise you that God is working through me to try to help other people in this small little way through this little silly podcast of mine. And it's also opened the door and it's created opportunity for me to tap into my loved ones and friends to share stuff with you guys, too, with that being said, I'm going to share just a little, a couple of thoughts that, that Barry left me with in, in a different email. He said that he wants the listeners of my podcast to know they are not condemned because of past mistakes. I know they don't all share a belief in God, but I'm hoping that they might be convinced and inspired to put their faith as a higher priority. I want them to be brave and determine what they really believe. My hope is. They will discover. There really is a God. And he is standing there with his arms open saying, come on, try it again. I don't condemn you. I love you. So I'm gonna circle back to how I opened this podcast up. Why am I happy in my aloneness? Why am I optimistic that my life is gonna turn out just fine? I mean, I maybe have been married and divorced twice and I might be in my mid forties now, but I'm not scared. I'm not scared because I have, and I truly do think that that is what separates me and my outlook on life in comparison to others who might feel more despair and might be more pessimistic about what their future looks like. I think faith is a game changer and I think it is up for grabs and anyone can develop it. You just gotta have faith. Mm oh, this is just the tip of the iceberg. This is just the tip of the iceberg. I've saved some really good stuff for a separate podcast. I just think it's a lot to digest and it's a lot to think about and it's kind of heavy. So I'd love to hear your feedback on this. And in the future, I have more stories from Barry to share, um, that I hope make you really dive deep. Like, like I have, it's been a little bit challenging as you can probably tell as I've muddled my way through this podcast, reading from emails and, and going back to trying to discuss it. But I, I think that there is a lot to be learned from other people who have been through this stuff. And Barry has, um, walked the walk and talk the talk. And it's why I relate to him so well, because he has lived a lot of the, um, feelings, emotions, and experiences that I am still going through. So I don't wanna keep these valuable lessons to myself. I want to share them with my people, with my friends. So, um, hopefully you're up for more because, uh, the episodes are coming. That's what I'm trying to say. Thank you all so much for listening to episode 43, I've gotta have faith. If you are enjoying the show, please do share it with your friends, your coworkers, your loved ones, anyone who is single later in life, who could use a little more joy. And if you haven't already, please do give me a rating on Spotify or apple. It simply just helps to grow the show. And I am trying really hard over are here to build a community of people who are happy in their single lives as they are right now.