Man Shopping with Stacie
Man Shopping with Stacie
Ep46~ Learning to Write in Pencil
I'm back! I'm on a journey of self- discovery right along with you! I'm 44 years old now and my daughter turns 17 at the end of the month. We've been on our own for about 3 years now. This skill of learning to write in pencil is something I've been working on for awhile.
In this episode, I'm going to share some examples of how despite trying to write my own life's story with a sharpie, life has thrown curveballs time an time again to remind me I should be writing in pencil. I'm also going to try to convince myself and you guys that there's been no better time than now... single over 40 to keep an open mind and go with the flow.
I found inspiration for this podcast from my daily devotional written by Shauna Niequist called Savor.
My vision for my break from the podcast was one of tranquility. The reality though, is that the break has created anxiety. There's never a perfect time to jump back in or take a leap of faith. So, here I am, back with the podcast after my break that didn't really serve me well.
My first love at the age of 14 is a clear example of my own tendency to get ahead of myself and plan my life. I had a promise ring, names for our kids were chosen, and my engagement ring design was literally torn from a magazine. Then, life happened... again and again.
For me, something that changed the course of my life more that anything else was death. I share the story of my cousin, Mandy's, death when we were both 18 and how it altered the course of my life.
Death upturns everything and I believe death and divorce (or break ups) evoke similar feelings. I think it's important to grieve our past relationships just as we grieve the loss of our loved ones in death. Sometimes divorce comes as a tragic surprise. For others, it's a long painful ending. Either way, it's painful and difficult.
Overcoming loss in divorce doesn't have to be strewn with negative feelings and guilt. We can seek forgiveness, share life with positive people, learn through our dating experiences. We can choose to view our single status as an opportunity though. Personally, I find it thrilling that I have no idea what is ahead.
Opportunities to be open-minded and excited about the unknown as singles over 40:
- Our careers- Maybe it's a great time to choose a different career path or continue our education. It's never too late!
- Creative Pursuits! Your life doesn't have to look any particular way. Nothing is holding you back. Use your extra time to try something new. Your desires and dreams are up to you to make happen!
- Future relationships/marriage - some of us have very strong feelings about what we will and not do in our future... I think we should avoid definitive statements like "I'll never get married again!" How do you know?! I think we should stay open hearted and open-minded about our romantic futures. Personally, I don't have an end game... I have NO idea if I'll fall in love or get married. I am open to anything though.
Life can change on a dime. I've been approached by several different casting agents and directors to be on reality shows. They were all big wake up calls of just how quickly my life would change if I ended up on any of them. If you would've told me a year ago that I would be doing phone and zoom interviews for Hulu or HBO Max, I wouldn't believe you. That's a version of my life I could've never predicted.
I share a story of a beautifully tragic love story of a friend of mine. It's a wonderful example of a second chance of love and exactly how unpredictable life can be.
Have faith and believe that your future holds great things. The unknown can be thrilling. Maybe just maybe you'll choose to follow my lead and for the first time in your life you'll be a visionary and a dreamer.
Welcome to man shopping with Stacy, where I share my real transparent dating and life experiences for your amusement and inspiration. I'm your host, Stacey weer, and you are listening to season two episode one, learning to write in pencil. If you've listened to previous episodes of my podcast, then you know that I'm on a journey of self discovery right along with you. I'm 44 years old. Now my daughter's almost 17. We've been on our own after my second divorce for about three years now. And this learning to write and pencil idea<laugh> is something is a skill that I'm still trying to hone. In this episode, I'm going to share with you some examples of how, despite my best efforts of writing and mapping out my own life story with a Sharpie life has thrown me some curve balls and taught me it would be best to write in pencil. You know what though, these curve balls that life throws at us, they can also be hit out of the park. We can score home runs with curve balls. They're not always a bad thing. So in this episode, I'm also going to make a case. I am going to try to convince myself and you guys that there's been no better time in our lives than right now, single over 40 to keep an open mind, to go with the flow, to be easy, going to not have our lives completely mapped out. I'm going to share some ideas about different facets of our life and how we can implement this new skill that we are going to, um, resolve to get better at writing and pencil to begin. I gotta tell you, I find inspiration for my podcast from so many unusual places. Now my most preferred place to find inspiration typically is from my audience. I'm asking all the time for you guys to share with me, what's important to you. What do you wanna hear about? Because I want this podcast to be relatable. I want it to be like this organic growing, um, platform. If you will, that we can all learn and get better. Through this episode though, came to me through a daily devotional that I have been reading every morning. And I've had this book for years. You guys, and I've reread it several times. It's like 365 days. It's called saver. It's a book by Shawn Equis. Her last name is N I E Q U I S D. And it's a Christian based book. But hang with me. If that's not your thing, this is where the writing and pencil idea came from. And I'm going to read to you guys most of the page that she has about this topic. So these are Shauna's words I should have written in pencil. I should have viewed the trajectory of my life as a mystery. I should have planned lightly hypothetically and used words like maybe, and possibly instead, every chance I got, I wrote in Sharpie, I stood on my future on what I knew on the certainty of what life would hold for me as though it wore rock. Instead, it's more like a magic carpet, a slippery slighty wiggly thing, full of equal parts play and terror. The ground beneath my feet is lurching and breaking and making wave for an entirely new thing. Every time I look down surprised once again, by a future, I couldn't have predicted, there is a loosey goosey feeling to the future right now, both a slight edge of anxiety. Like anything can happen and a slight bubble of hope and freedom that well, anything can happen. I read this passage on March 10th, it's now April the third. I've had a minute to think on it. It strikes such a chord with me for one I've been on a break from the podcast, a break that was kind of unplanned. I knew at some point I would need to take a step back, regroup, get some thoughts together, give my creative energy a Lu, um, to recharge and come back to you guys with quality, uh, quality material, things that matter. I didn't wanna just crank out episodes for the sake of cranking out episodes. My vision for my spring break, as I called it from my podcast was one of tranquility, peaceful, easy kind of feelings<laugh> while I, you know, kept a, uh, notepad on my phone of show ideas, gathered inspiration from the world around me, I've done those things. I have a pretty solid list of things to talk about in season two, but what I didn't anticipate and what came of my break was anxiety.<laugh> so weird. So weird. I felt more anxious and nervous about the direction of my podcast. My lack of progress on my book, all of it, my life in general. I think then when I was taking, um, like deliberate conscious time, just time, um, and thought put into what I share on this podcast with you guys and what I have plans for, uh, for my book. So I guess for me, like the first lesson that came to mind about writing in pencil was just that idea that there's never a perfect time to, you know, jump back in, to take a leap of faith, to go in a different direction. Uh, you just have to do it. You just gotta jump. And so here I am jumping back into the podcast and, uh, trying to focus on the book because the break didn't work for me.<laugh> like that. Like I, like I thought that it would, or like I anticipated and Hey, that's okay. Who knew that? Um, yeah, I have a hard time relaxing and uh, and uh, I suck at slowing down. That's a rhetorical question. Pretty much everyone in my life knows that I'm that way, but I'm working on it guys. That's what I'm trying to say. I'm working on it. I'm going with the flow. So here I am. I'm gonna share with you guys a story from my life now from a very early time in my life. I've talked about this relationship before, but, um, you guys, it was my first love. I fell in love hard and deep kind of love at the age of 14. And it, it was real. It was absolutely real. It, it wasn't puppy, dog simple kind of love. It was a messy, complicated, um, very, very real and meaningful kind of love as I'm continuing to speak in generalities. I'll tell you my high school and early college relationship is as messed up. As some of the things that we experienced together were it was probably the, uh, healthiest relationship I've had in that. Um, we cared for one another a lot and I felt cared for by him. And that hasn't happened to me much in life. So to get specific with you to get real specific though, about this relationship that I was in, when I was very young, I will tell you, uh, we spent absolutely as much time together as possible. I found myself eating dinner at his family table more than my own. I went on almost all of his family vacations with them. I grew very, very close with his mother and his sister, uh, very tight bonds that felt very family like<laugh>. And I could absolutely see exactly what our family life would look like if we were to get married one day, which I was fully convinced that we would, I was devoted to him. We were committed to one another. And by, I don't know, late in high school, I told him that I really wanted a tangible sign. Like I felt as though like calling him, my boyfriend was silly. You guys, I was like 16, 17 years old. And I want, I like wanted to be, I wanted to be married. Like I felt like we were married. And so I wanted a promise ring. And I don't even know you guys, if that was like a thing, because I can't really name any other couples that I went to high school with.<laugh> where the girl had a promise ring. I don't know if I saw it on TV or in a movie or what, or made it up. But I, I told him like, it was an expectation at one point that I wanted that because I was so dead set on the fact that that was where our future was headed. I wanted that commitment in a very, you know, tangible, real way from him. And he made it happen. I completely remember I was, I was working at the buckle, you know, selling, um, Z CAIS and Pepe jeans and whatever. And I went out to my car after work and I think he had like decorated my car, left me notes, whatever, and I'm pretty sure he left the ring in it. And I may have just completely contrived that story, but that's how I remember it. So yeah, I got my promise ring, which obviously meant that at some point we would be engaged and married and spend the rest of our lives together because I had it all planned out in my head. I also had our children named, I think he liked the names too. I don't know, had the kids named, had, um, had my wedding ring picked out of a magazine, um, that I tore the page out and kept. And, um, I knew what our holidays would look like because we had spent all of our holidays together. I knew what our, you know, Sundays would look like because we had spent our Sundays together. So it was just, um, very, very written in stone, you know, what, what everything was going to be like. And, and then, you know, life through some curve balls<laugh> and it didn't quite go that way. Um, I remember waking up on a Saturday morning to early to a phone call from him, you know, on the landline, picked up the phone. Um, we talked on the phone all the time when we weren't together, which we were always together. So wasn't that unusual to pick up the phone on a Saturday morning early and he was sobbing and I thought someone had died. He was crying so hard. He was like inconsolable. And I was like, what, what, what? And I couldn't believe the words that were coming out of his mouth when he confessed to me that he had cheated on me. I was absolutely blindsided. I did not see this coming.
Speaker 2:We were happy.
Speaker 1:We were in love.
Speaker 2:We
Speaker 1:Were, you know, he,
Speaker 2:I was like
Speaker 1:A junior in high school.
Speaker 2:What you
Speaker 1:Cheated on me with
Speaker 2:Who?
Speaker 1:And he told me everything. He indulged me.
Speaker 2:I
Speaker 1:Drilled him with questions. I
Speaker 2:Was
Speaker 1:Sobbing. He was sobbing.
Speaker 2:I
Speaker 1:Was shaking. I was sick to my stomach. I wanted to
Speaker 2:Throw up. It was
Speaker 1:The worst phone call up till that point in my life that I
Speaker 2:Had ever
Speaker 1:Taken my life changed in that moment. And it did
Speaker 2:You guys,
Speaker 1:It changed
Speaker 2:A lot after that for
Speaker 1:Whatever reason and as
Speaker 2:Crazy as this
Speaker 1:Probably sounds to
Speaker 2:All
Speaker 1:Of you listening. I knew without
Speaker 2:A doubt that
Speaker 1:If he wanted to stay with me, I wanted to stay with him
Speaker 2:Through that.
Speaker 1:I, I, I don't know the reason
Speaker 2:I really, I just, I
Speaker 1:Loved him
Speaker 2:So
Speaker 1:Much.
Speaker 2:I loved our
Speaker 1:Relationship so much. I did not want to give up on it. And I don't know if that
Speaker 2:Choice was
Speaker 1:Right or wrong, but we
Speaker 2:Stayed together. We stayed together,
Speaker 1:Um, through
Speaker 2:That, but it absolutely altered our future
Speaker 1:<laugh> and it wasn't the only thing that altered
Speaker 2:Our future. A lot
Speaker 1:Of other things happened the next year. I went away
Speaker 2:To student
Speaker 1:Council camp. Mm-hmm<affirmative>, I've talked about
Speaker 2:This before. It's one of those
Speaker 1:Like life changing kind of things. My friend, I had several friends, a friend named Carly, a friend named Latonya. We went to camp Chile in Colorado. And I remember early on in some
Speaker 2:Workshops, they, they
Speaker 1:Really got us thinking they kind of were, um, well, they were trying to help us grow
Speaker 2:As kids, as
Speaker 1:Leaders in our schools,
Speaker 2:All of that. So there were a lot of thought
Speaker 1:Provoking workshops that we went through And in my small group
Speaker 2:Was A boy
Speaker 1:From St. Louis
Speaker 2:Said,
Speaker 1:Boy from St. Louis
Speaker 2:Was a very
Speaker 1:Dynamic, funny, charming guy. He reminded me nothing of my boyfriend from home. They
Speaker 2:Were very,
Speaker 1:Very different people. And
Speaker 2:Throughout the
Speaker 1:Course of my time at this camp,
Speaker 2:I sure
Speaker 1:Did find myself being drawn to the boy from St. Louis
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm<affirmative>
Speaker 1:You can see where this is going. So we knew some things about this camp because all of us had had friends that were older than us who had gone through the camp before. And we knew that
Speaker 2:It was
Speaker 1:Kind of common practice for, you know, the last night that you're there at camp, you sneak out, we were in the mountains, it was a beautiful setting. And they had somewhat of a church set up. This was not a Christian based camp, but they had like a chapel that we had our meetings at. And it was beautiful and had this gorgeous overlook. So we all had plans, the boys and the girls bust outta their cabins under the watchful, sleepy, not so watchful eyes of our camp counselors. And we did it. We all met up. So, um, a handful of us, not the whole camp or anything, but a few of us had a, you know, had this, had this goal of getting together. I don't know what we thought would happen, but we did. We just all got together and we hung out, you know, and, and it was pretty innocent, nothing crazy happening. We didn't have alcohol or, you know, drugs or anything bad, but what we did have were a lot of hormones. And, um, I guess that was the objective. And I think I knew it going into it. And so I definitely recall, um, sitting on this boy's lap, I sat on his lap, threw my arms around him and, uh, we ended up kissing, right? So we, uh, kissed and we kissed and we kissed and we kissed and, uh, found out like we were pretty into each other. I mean, uh, shock, shocking, right? Shocking story. That's what young kids do. And so then I<laugh> was left to go home in this horrible state of guilt and confusion. And how do you go from like, being so devoted and committed at, you know, the age of 17 for the rest of my life? I, I had told this boy, I had promised myself to him and now I have messed up. I've messed up big time. And I didn't know what it meant. Did I morally, you know, was I obligated to tell him what happened or would it be better to spare his feelings and not tell him was I going to stay in my relationship, you know, with my boyfriend, from home, or was I going to try to make a go of it with this boy from St. Louis? It was like a three hour drive from my hometown. And, um, it was really ambiguous and messy for, for a few weeks. And then it all happened. The B from St. Louis came to my hometown. I broke. I mean, like for a visit, um, I like harbored him as a fugitive. He stayed with, um, a friend of his who happened to have grandparents in my hometown. He was undercover. No one knew who he was. Um, I had a Ron debut with him at the Missouri state fair with my cousin. Um, it was a mess. You guys, I mean, I was
Speaker 2:Like
Speaker 1:In a
Speaker 2:Covert
Speaker 1:Operation, um, hanging out with him under, You know, without my boyfriend knowing, because I hadn't broken up with him. I didn't have the guts to do it. I didn't know if it's what I wanted. And then it just became super duper messy. It became super messy and heart wrenching and dramatic and
Speaker 2:Awful, awful,
Speaker 1:Awful. It hurt
Speaker 2:So
Speaker 1:Bad. I mean, if you
Speaker 2:Guys
Speaker 1:Think back to your
Speaker 2:First love,
Speaker 1:I mean, it
Speaker 2:Just
Speaker 1:Kills. And so, you know, I didn't have sex with this B from St. Louis. Um,
Speaker 2:But I, I cheated, I
Speaker 1:Kissed him. I made out with him. I, I had him come to Kansas or not Kansas city. I had him come to my hometown of Sedalia without,
Speaker 2:Without
Speaker 1:Breaking up with my boyfriend. First.
Speaker 2:I was, I, I had a lot of faults.
Speaker 1:I did a lot of things wrong. And you guys, that
Speaker 2:Was like
Speaker 1:The beginning of, uh,
Speaker 2:A whole
Speaker 1:Situation in that relationship. I mean, I just never,
Speaker 2:Ever
Speaker 1:Could have seen things going that way. My script did not include, you know, falling for someone else at a camp in the mountains. Life threw me a curve ball, and I
Speaker 2:Failed that test,
Speaker 1:That lesson
Speaker 2:Miserably.
Speaker 1:I was not faithful to the love of my life. Um, I did hurtful, harmful bad things. Um,
Speaker 2:But<affirmative>, but let's
Speaker 1:Look at it from an adult
Speaker 2:Perspective,
Speaker 1:Right. I mentioned hormones talking about a bunch of kids
Speaker 2:Here
Speaker 1:That don't yet
Speaker 2:Have
Speaker 1:Fully formed brains. That's what my mom friends and I talk about a lot now in regard to our own children who are, who are in high school. And I found this like Post on Instagram that I think is so
Speaker 2:True. Uh, this guy
Speaker 1:Says, we ask 18 year olds to make huge decisions about their career and financial future. When a month ago they
Speaker 2:Had to ask to go
Speaker 1:To the bathroom. Right? So I guess what I'm saying is I should probably grant myself some grace, but
Speaker 2:You guys,
Speaker 1:I Harbor so much guilt
Speaker 2:Still.
Speaker 1:I haven't forgiven myself for some of the things that went wrong, um, in my relationship with my first
Speaker 2:Love,
Speaker 1:Um, I never
Speaker 2:Could have, uh, predicted that our lives would go the way
Speaker 1:That they went,
Speaker 2:Because I had us
Speaker 1:Married, you know, and with kids and grandkids. And, um,
Speaker 2:We did get back together. I'll
Speaker 1:Save some of these stories for another day. We lived together in college, We were engaged. I was engaged at the age of 19. We had an entire Wedding planned
Speaker 2:That I called off, like
Speaker 1:In very short time before the wedding was to take place. And it wasn't just a little wedding. I mean, this
Speaker 2:Was a
Speaker 1:Big hometown wedding. So yeah, I've been through some stuff. My life has taken some turns that I did not think it would take, um, some my own doing, you know, based on my own choices and some just completely
Speaker 2:Out of left field, right? This is
Speaker 1:Life. And if you are like me and over the age
Speaker 2:Of 40,
Speaker 1:I am sure
Speaker 2:That you have
Speaker 1:Experienced some, some similar
Speaker 2:Surprises, right?
Speaker 1:As I was making my outline and thinking about what I wanted to talk about on this episode, thinking about disruptors in my life, things that have changed
Speaker 2:The course of where I thought I
Speaker 1:Was going. And one of the biggest events of my life still to this day
Speaker 2:Was death.
Speaker 1:I mean, how many of you
Speaker 2:Have had the death of a
Speaker 1:Loved one,
Speaker 2:Completely
Speaker 1:Change
Speaker 2:Everything
Speaker 1:In the blink of an eye and, you know, tragic
Speaker 2:Death,
Speaker 1:Unexpected, um, death
Speaker 2:Actually altered
Speaker 1:Some of my relationships and changed the
Speaker 2:Course of
Speaker 1:The rest of my life. My cousin died in a car accident. When I, when we
Speaker 2:Were 18, we had just
Speaker 1:Graduated from high school together. She was at a softball tournament, riding home in a caravan of cars, um,
Speaker 2:Back
Speaker 1:To our hometown when the
Speaker 2:Driver of her vehicle that she,
Speaker 1:She was in, it wasn't her vehicle, but she was in a Volkswagen van sitting in a bean bag chair in the back. And her young friend was driving. Another young friend was sitting up front. None of them had seat belts on, they,
Speaker 2:All three were ejected
Speaker 1:And my cousin died. And, Um, it was
Speaker 2:Still
Speaker 1:Is the most tragic thing that I've ever been through. And when that happened and I could go into tons of painful details. But when that happened, I found myself seeking the comfort Of my first
Speaker 2:Love. I did carry through
Speaker 1:A relationship
Speaker 2:With
Speaker 1:The boy from St. Louis for quite some time. And it was kind of messed up and fun and stupid and hurtful and a million different ways too. But
Speaker 2:I,
Speaker 1:When my cousin died, I found myself longing to be with someone who understood, who cared about me, who would protect me, who would hold me while I cried. And that was him. That was my first boyfriend, not the fun, arrogant,<laugh> dumb guy that I enjoyed being around, uh, from St. Louis. So, so that changed things. We got back together. That's, you know, it changed the course of my college. Um, we became engaged, you know, just a couple years after that. So death, right. It, it, um, upturns everything. And I didn't bring this up to make you cry or bring up, you know, hard things that you've been through. Maybe I did, maybe I did bring it up so that you think about hard things that you've been through. That's, that's probably true. Um, but for me, death and divorce share a lot of similarities, divorce, or breakups of, you know, important relationships, whatever that looks like for you. Um, divorce in its way, brings about, you know, a loss that can feel a lot like death. And I think it's important to grieve your past relationships if it was a marriage or a relationship for many of you, your divorce may have been as unexpected and tragic and shocking as the death of my cousin was to me, for others of you, maybe it was a smoldering long, painful, horrible ending that drug on for a long, long time, either way, either way, it's typically painful and a really hard thing to get through, right. Guessing none of you like sat down in your journals when you were, you know, 11 years old with your little lock and key. I had so many of those that I never wrote in, but, um, you know, no, none of us sat down like writing our life story thinking, and then one day I'll get divorced and I'll get to start all over again.<laugh> at the age of, you know, 42. That sounds, that sounds awesome. Uh, no, I mean, life happens and here we are, and it doesn't have to be tragic anymore. It doesn't have to be sad, hurtful, um, guilt ridden, you know, that's what this process that I'm going through. And I think most of you are too. We're forgiving ourselves. We're learning. We are trying to be better people. We are seeking positive people to be around, to share our life with trying to learn through dating what we're looking for in a new partner one day, what we deserve so far as how we are to be treated and how we should treat others. Right. I've tried to impress upon you guys, many, many, many times that one way to look at where we are in life as single people later in life is op it's an opportunity. It can be exciting just like Shauna Equis. You know, she was married with two very small young boys when she wrote that page in her book. And I don't know what she was going through personally, that made her wake up and realize that, you know, she didn't have it all figured out yet.<laugh> but, um, but you guys, I can relate to, I know, I, I don't know your stories. I don't know the intimate details, but I think I know how you're feeling because I'm over here feeling the same way. So at the beginning of this podcast, I told you that I would do my best to make a case to convince myself. And you guys<laugh> that, that this can be a good thing that not planning our lives out, not yet knowing exactly where we are headed can be thrilling. It can be a magic carpet ride. That's what she, that's what she said. Right?<laugh> so let's talk about some of these facets of our lives right now, where we have an opportunity to be open minded, to view uncertainty as just that uncertainty, but in an exciting, positive, good way. Right? So let's talk about our careers, right? Have you ever wanted to try something different? Have you ever hoped for an advancement? It spent it's not too late. It's not too late at all. I mean, sadly for most of us, we've got a solid, like what, 25 years of work ahead from us ahead of us. Think about that. Where were you? 25 years ago? You didn't even know who you wanted to be yet when you grew up. Right. Well, a lot of us still don't know what we wanna be yet. And if you find yourself unfulfilled in your career, Hey, guess what? There's still time to do something different. I've watched a lot of my friends explore different career paths out of unhappiness or not feeling gratified, or maybe just ambition and desire to, to do something greater. This is a great time to be able to do that. I think the only way that that happens is for you to, um, build your confidence up, to have a healthy mindset, to surround yourself with family and friends and loved ones who are supportive and encouraging you guys. I<laugh>, I mean, one of my greatest successes right now is doing this is just sitting behind this microphone and learning along with you. As I keep saying, I never would've started a podcast and this is a small success and you guys can laugh. I don't care for me. It's a big deal because I followed through with something. I had no idea how to start a podcast, you know, um, whatever a year and a half ago. Um, now I'm, you know, on season two, still, still plugging away, still going, still finding fulfillment through this. So, you know, I mean, I can take it in another direction. If you have creative pursuits that you've always wanted to do, what are you waiting for your life? Doesn't have to look any particular way. You can take up, you know, an instrument. You can, you can be a runner. You can, you can do great things. Nothing is holding you back. If you're like me, maybe you have more time on your hands than you used to because your kids are getting older. Maybe they're out of the house. You guys, it's kind of thrilling. It really is. It's sad. And I mean, I get worried about what life is gonna look like when Laney leaves home, but you know, I've also come to terms with the fact that I can dread the day I can ho I mean, I do hold on very tight to every moment with her and try to soak it up and all of that. But I also try to remind myself that it's an exciting time in her life. She needs my support to spread her wings and fly and do big things. And I too plan on doing big things and having a, you know, uh, goals and ambitions and desires for myself. And I think that's one of the biggest opportunities for all of us at this point in our lives. Is that again, I've said this a million times on this podcast, you can, you can be selfish right now because you're not sharing life with a partner. Yes. You have children. Yes. You have a job. You have responsibilities. You can't fully be selfish, but so far as your dreams and desires and what your future holds, that's on you, you can make the most of it. You can do amazing things. If you believe in yourself, if you work hard and try to, so what's holding you back, right. Who says that life has to look a certain way. It doesn't, you can write your own chapters, just, you know, write'em in pencil. Don't write'em in sharp because you just never know<laugh> what's gonna happen. That's the whole point. Right? So yeah, maybe this midlife is a great time to, uh, further your education to learn new skills, to take up hobbies, to try something different. All of those things are true, I think. But also when we're talking about not planning out our life, it's one of my pet peeves. Have you guys ever gone on a date with somebody? And they're like, well, I'm never getting married again. Like I have no desire to get married. I've already made the decision. I think that would be foolish. It would be so ridiculous. I have no desire to ever get married again there. I said it it's done. It is, you know, written in a very big, bold black Sharpie. Don't with me. I'm not getting married again. Wow. Um, I've heard it a lot. Not just on dates, but in conversation with other single people. I mean, Hmm. Okay. Like, I understand that. I understand it financially. I understand it from a legal point. I understand it for some, as someone, I am someone who has been hurt. Um, I'm guarded too, but I try really hard to not make super definitive statements like that because I just don't know I'm over here trying to be open minded. Do I feel like kind of an sometimes for thinking, for being a romantic like, oh, I mean maybe one day I will, I will meet my guy. The guy that I, you know, is a good match for me. And we can be solid partners and be happy care for one another mutually respect one another. Do I feel kind of stupid sometimes for like my head, you know, like my head's in the clouds that no, I really don't. I want to stay openhearted and openminded now I, you know, probably sound judgey for, and I am probably for like, you shouldn't have hard and fast rules for what you think is gonna happen. Just like I don't expect to get married. That's not a goal of mine. It's really not. I think it drives my mom crazy that it's, that's not, I don't have an end game. I do not have an end game. I am not trying to write the rest of my story. I don't know. I don't know if I'll be single the rest of my life. Does that mean that I will never fall in love again? No, I mean, I don't, I don't know. I hope so. I'm open to it. I'm open to love. I'm open to relationships. I'm even open to marriage. Now with that being said, what, what would it take to, for me to get married? I mean, a whole of a very high level of comfort. That's what it would take.<laugh> um, and a lot of, uh, patience on the part of whoever wants to marry me. That's for sure. But I'm trying to not put limitations or, you know, be close minded because I just don't know. I mean, we all know that, that old saying, like, you know, you know, you're gonna fall in love when you're not looking for it. Okay. Well, I mean, that's true for some people, but some people put a lot of effort into it and they meet someone too funny, things happen, you know, um, you can have a strategy, you can have an end game, you can have a goal in mind. And despite all of those efforts be taken, you know, in a completely different direction. So instead of feeling maybe, um, helpless, hopeless, wandering, you know, I think it is good to at least know yourself, know what you want. I mean, if you know, in your heart that you want to be married again, then by all means, go out there and try to find a spouse, you know, but don't lose sight of the rest of your goals. And I know I'm being very Ramly, but I can't help it. I mean, this topic just lends itself to, uh, you know, a whole slew of different ideas about, about, you know, having faith and believe that no matter what direction your life takes you, it's still full of opportunity for happiness, for growth, for good things. And instead of being scared, worried for your future, trying to control every aspect of your life, maybe just let go, you know, Jesus take the wheel. Maybe just have a little bit of that, of that, um, mindset that it doesn't have to be planned out. And maybe just, maybe that's a good thing. I find it incredibly exciting, very, very liberating. And I'm enjoying every minute of not having a clue of what's in front of me. You know, I've recently kind of been reevaluating. Like what, what am I trying to do with this podcast? What do I, what are my hopes for this book? I've said it before, like, I don't wanna do anything half. Like if I write a book, I want my book to be good. I want it to sell. I want things to come from it. I want to make, I want to influence. I want, I want those things. Um, because I believe in my message and I believe in my mission and I'm trying to help other people, well, you guys, out of nowhere, this is, this is how life can change on a dime right out of nowhere, I've been approached by three different casting companies for television shows. They're all reality shows. They're all related to what I'm doing here. Being single dating, um, giving advice or not like there are three very different shows that I've been approached for each time that has happened. I have kept an open mind. Two of the shows that I was approached for would be tremendous fits. It would be fun. I would learn from it. I would be excited. I would feel proud to, to be a part of it. And then one of them was like so far outside of my comfort zone. It's not even funny. Like I found myself, um, in an interview with a casting director, not, I mean, I was true to myself, but I was definitely not what they were looking for. And I knew it, you know? And so I was still hopeful, honestly, that they chose me for it because here's the deal. I knew what a difference it could make in what I'm trying to accomplish here. The mission of their show was not aligned at all with my mission<laugh> to spread some optimism, joy, and happiness to singles like me, it, it really wasn't. It was like pure fantasy. It was kind of stupid in my opinion, but I was still willing to do it because I knew that if I was on this reality show on Hulu, that it would draw more attention to what matters to me. Right. Talk about a game changer. Like if you would've told me a year ago that I would be approached to be on shows, and I know I'm not alone. You guys, some of you have probably be been DMed on Instagram or cuz it's happened to me. Like I've had friends pass along opportunities. To me, Tony reminded me that at a party recently, she was like, my, my girlfriend. She's like, I sent that casting agent to you. I'm like, I know. And I still hope something happens. Um, and I know that, I mean, you can laugh at me. I don't care. Reality TV is reality TV. It's a big part of my life. Actually. I quite enjoy it. And living as transparently and vulnerably as I do, I think it's a fricking fabulous fit for me. And I hope it happens one day. But talk about not being able to predict the direction of your life. When I got pretty far along in an interviewing process for a show, all that I could think was, oh my God, I was terrified at first of all, like having to ask my boss for like four to six weeks away off work, that was scary. Um, I knew that if I was on that said show, once it aired, like my Instagram would go from, you know, 2,500 followers to 25,000 followers. And I know how hard it is for me sometimes to keep up with messages and posts and stuff now sounds silly, but that's like, that's like a big responsibility cuz I don't wanna be an and not message people and acknowledge, you know, things that yeah. Matter to me. So I mean just little things like that, but not only that, but I, I was hopeful that it would mean great things for my book. It would draw, like I said, it would draw more attention to the things that matter to me and then it didn't happen. Okay. So that's a roller coaster, right? That's happened three times. Um, but again, if you would've told me a year ago that that would even be happening, I'd be like, oh my dear God, that's nuts. That's a version of my life that I never ever could have predicted. Right. Well, that's kind of a weird scenario. I get it. And maybe not that relatable to most of you who, you know, don't spill their guts on a podcast and take photos of everything they go through in their life to share with other people. I get it. But we all have heard of those people who one day, everything changed for the better. I have a beautifully tragic story I can share with you actually that comes to mind of a friend of mine. She was in, um, an unhappy marriage that ended in divorce. And when she became single, she was approached for a date, um, by one of her very closest sorority friends' brother, someone that was totally off of her radar. She had never considered being in a romantic relationship with him before, but it made a little bit of sense and they started dating and they fell in love and they got married. She had never had any children of her own. And she soon found herself a stepmother to his two beautiful, loving kind awesome daughters. And she now has a healthy, loving, beautiful example of a second chance at love if you will. And she's radiant and happy and glowing. And she speaks so adoringly and fondly of her husband, it's just been the most beautiful thing to watch and learn from. And then tragedy struck out of nowhere. She had some lower back pain that couldn't get resolved and she floated around to a couple of different doctors. She had some other symptom GI symptoms that she'd always lived with her whole life, that she kind of dismissed as nothing. And then one day, um, she was diagnosed with colon cancer was a tumor that was sitting on her spine that was causing her back pain. But anyway, she had to go through a lot to figure all of that out and thank God that she has the husband, the loving, supportive, caring, nurturing nursing
Speaker 2:Sweet
Speaker 1:Husband that she has because they are now going through a cancer journey together and end of life
Speaker 2:Story
Speaker 1:Together. And as tragic as
Speaker 2:It
Speaker 1:Is, I know that for my friend,
Speaker 2:Her life
Speaker 1:Has been such
Speaker 2:A gift.
Speaker 1:You know, she
Speaker 2:Appreciates
Speaker 1:Her husband so much because of
Speaker 2:What she
Speaker 1:Experienced with her first husband. You know, I think a lot of us can can say that,
Speaker 2:Like I
Speaker 1:She's living it, she's living, um, a life of
Speaker 2:Gratitude because
Speaker 1:Of things that harder things that she's been through in her past, and now she's facing the hardest time of her life, but she has
Speaker 2:The
Speaker 1:Caring, loving support of a wonderful man.
Speaker 2:It's tragic. That's, that's such
Speaker 1:A clear example of how we can never plan anything out. Um, I have other examples in my life of that
Speaker 2:Too, actually,
Speaker 1:Where people have found, um, true love, you know, a very endearing sweet, pure,
Speaker 2:Good love
Speaker 1:Later in life
Speaker 2:For it to be short lived,
Speaker 1:I would
Speaker 2:Say that's
Speaker 1:Better than to not have experienced
Speaker 2:Love at all.
Speaker 1:Um, just examples of, you know, the unpredictability
Speaker 2:Of life, why fight it? Why, why try to control it? It's totally
Speaker 1:Out of our control. We all know it.
Speaker 2:We just gotta
Speaker 1:Relax and go
Speaker 2:With the flow.
Speaker 1:Right? My last
Speaker 2:Little thought
Speaker 1:Provoking
Speaker 2:Idea that I'll leave you
Speaker 1:With is maybe instead of trying to
Speaker 2:Precisely
Speaker 1:Plan out your future with hard and fast rules
Speaker 2:For exactly
Speaker 1:What that's going to look like. Maybe
Speaker 2:Try
Speaker 1:To take the stance that I've been trying to take. And I don't perfected either, but I am over here being a dreamer maybe for the first time in my life, Really dreaming, really being open-minded to big, bold things that could happen to view life is exciting and not scary. And maybe dreaming for you is going back to school. Maybe it's moving to a different state. Maybe it is buying an RV and driving around the country,
Speaker 2:Experiencing
Speaker 1:Adventures in your retirement. I know people that are doing that along these lines. This
Speaker 2:Is probably why I have
Speaker 1:Created a vision board instead of a
Speaker 2:List of goals,
Speaker 1:Trying to be a visionary for my future. Instead of like a, instead of like a script writer or something in conclusion, I'm going to reread the last sentence from this page of the book saver by Shawn Equis. And here it goes, there's a loosey goosey feeling to the future. Now both a slight edge of anxiety, like anything can happen and a slight bubble of hope and freedom that well, anything can happen. You guys, I love that so much. I hope that you can look toward your future and even your present with optimism and hopefulness and be a dreamer because you just never know where life is going to take you. So join me in learning to write in pencil. Will you thank you all so much for your patience while I have taken a spring break from the podcast. Thanks for rejoining me here with season two. I appreciate you guys so very much. And as always, my ask of you is that you would please send the link to the podcast to a loved one. That is how podcasts grow. And that is how we share this message of optimism for other singles like us. And up next episode, two I'm back, baby I'm back. And I am feeling single a F<laugh> that's the title of episode two coming out in two weeks.