Ep49~ Single AF

Are you REALLY Happy being alone ( like I am)? If so, maybe you have some of the same struggles I have... I'm guarded and I'm getting VERY particular about who I share my heart and time with. Can you relate?

In this episode, I'm going to share with you some examples of how I'm feeling SINGLE AF. At the end, I'm going to share a story from my stepdad Barry about his thoughts about navigating life alone or in a marriage.

This past winter I hibernated. After months of launching this podcast and going out a lot, I retreated to my home and basically shared my time with Lanie, my dog, my family, and close loved ones. BUT, on a short trip to Washington DC, I did hop on BUMBLE for a hot minute. I met a really great guy who I nicknamed Clark Kent. We sparked a little romance and had one date in person. Aside from FaceTiming and getting to know him, my dating life was nonexistent. My winter was essentially cozy, cooped up, and boring... but not in a bad way. I totally enjoyed it. A lot of my friends spent their winter months similarly, so I don't think I'm alone in this. 

Flash forward to earlier today when I almost canceled a date because I hadn't heard from the guy in a few day. I was completely content to bake, watch The Flight Attendant, and stay in. Although I've gotten pretty rigid with how I spend my time, I ended up deciding to go out because I haven't gone out on a date in a long time and I was looking forward to meeting him in person.  Then, out of nowhere, Nashville Nick texted me that he is in KC. What's a SINGLE AF girl to do?! Go out with two guys in one night. That's what. Duh.

After attending a couple of funerals and experiencing the loss of my dog recently, I found myself unexpectedly wishing I had someone to console me and even hold me while I cry. Although I have a wonderful support system, that tender, intimate support is definitely missing in my life. I feel for all of you facing loss and life's challenges alone!

Lastly, I share a story that Barry shared with me from a time when he was "dead single and alone". 

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Welcome to man shopping with Stacy, where I share my real transparent dating and life experiences for your amusement and inspiration. I'm your host, Stacy weer, and you are listening to season two, episode four, single a F if you've made it to the point in your singles or divorce journey that you are really happy being alone. Like I am, maybe you too struggle with some of the same stuff I do. I just don't know if it's more appealing of an idea to navigate life alone or to share my big heart and life with someone else. I'm pretty guarded. I'm getting incredibly particular about who I spend my time with. And I just don't know that I will find anyone to fit like a perfect little puzzle piece into my heart and my little life that I've created with Laney. In this episode, I'm gonna share with you some examples of the struggles that I've been dealing with, and I hope that some of you find them relatable, just gonna bat some stuff around, let you guys into my head and my heart. Maybe I'll come up with some answers to my own questions. As I sometimes do while I say all of this out loud verbalizing, um, my feelings really does tend to help, uh, even if there's no therapist sitting next to me. And then lastly, I'm gonna sum up with a really heartfelt story from my stepdad, Barry, on his opinion and thoughts on navigating life alone versus navigating life, uh, with a partner or in marriage. So here we go. I don't think that it's just me that tends to kind of, uh, hibernate in the wintertime. You guys. I had such a freaking busy, crazy social life last spring and summer. Um, launching this podcast, going out all the time with friends, with dates, with divorced over 40. I just absolutely burnt myself out on social activities. And so this winter, I pretty much just hold up in my house, uh, stuck to Laney my family, my dog, and, um, didn't really get out much with that being said, I did have one little romantic interlude. I hopped on Bumble for a hot minute while I was on a quick trip to DC, met a fantastic guy who I call Clark Kent<laugh>. I consider him to be pretty special and we sparked a little bit of a romance that we kept up through FaceTime essentially over the course of a few months, um, only had one real date sadly in person. Um, but aside from that, which I'll have to talk about another time I was alone guys alone, alone, alone, all winter. It's been months now without much dating activity, flirting, no apps. I've just recently gotten back on apps, which I can't wait to talk about on another episode, but you guys it's been dull. It's been boring. It's been cozy, cooped up time to myself and Hey, guess what I don't, when I say boring, I don't mean it in a, in a bad way. Um, I've quite enjoyed my slumber, my winter, you know, hibernation I really have, and I don't think it's just me. I feel like a lot of my friends have kind of been in the same boat. They've just kind of cooped up and, um, spent some time alone. And I think it's really healthy. I actually recently met a bachelor he's 40, never been married and, and kind of told him some of my story told him that I've, you know, kind of dated, um, a lot right outta the gates during my separation. And first year, um, single after my second divorce and then took equal or more time just to myself without dating at all. And, uh, wasn't a turn off to him. I don't think he encouraged that and said that he too has enjoyed being alone. Right. In fact, as I just mentioned, then I am back on some apps right now. Um, I<laugh>, I have a date tonight. Why is this relevant to an episode titled single AAF? Well, because I almost canceled on the guy because<laugh>, I talked to him on Monday. Today is Saturday. We talked on Monday. We landed on Saturday for a date. Completely ambiguous, no plan whatsoever. Okay, cool. Well, I didn't hear from him at all after Monday. So this morning I'm chatting with a couple of my girlfriends and I'm like, I don't even know if I wanna go out with this guy. Like, I haven't heard a thing from him since Monday. We don't have a plan and I got to do. Like I gotta make<laugh> I gotta make cupcakes and cookies for prom. I can stick them in the freezer. Like it's gonna rain later. I might just want to watch the flight attendant that just came back out on HBO, max. Like I am completely content doing all of those things and missing out on this date because quite frankly, I felt like if he was excited about this date, that he would've probably given me a plan. Like, Hey, I'd love to take you here. Let's meet up at this place, whatever, nothing. And so I set, um, a deadline that he did not know about of noon today. Like if I didn't hear from him by noon, there was no way I was gonna go out with him. What happened? He texted me at 11:30 AM and he said, Hey, like, are we still on<laugh>? I was like, it. Now, what do I do? Like, that's cutting it off a close buddy, you know? But because I haven't gone out on any dates in a long time, because I am interested in getting to know him. And he is a local Kansas guy. I messaged him and I said, okay, here's the deal. I, I can meet early, like, you know, four to seven, you free like whatever. And so we, we made a plan and I'm gonna meet him for like one drink early this evening. And I am looking forward to it, but it almost didn't happen because again, I'm starting to get a little bit more rigid in my dating. Like I have just stuff that I'm completely happy to do on my own. And I'm not just dying to go out on Saturday night. Am I alone in this? Is anyone else content baking in their kitchen or binge watching, you know, the flight attendant? I don't think it's just me. Tell me I'm not alone and slightly off topic, but I'm gonna bring it back around. I've talked a lot about submariners. Like the people that you go out with that tend to just like circle back over and over again.<laugh> like you get the text outta nowhere. Hey, what's up? Hey, happy Thanksgiving. Hey, I'm in town. You wanna go out? You know, that, that person, um, we all have those people and I welcome them. Quite frankly. I've made some really great connections with men who live in different states and I'm happy to hear from'em. Well, it happened this morning, got a text from Nashville, Nick, who I talked about a couple different times in season one, maybe on a bonus episode two, he is in town. And by God, I'm gonna see him tonight as well. So early date with the new guy, late date or friendly get together with Nashville, Nick, but worth mentioning Nashville. Nick. He is one of the first guys that I met on Bumble, uh, during, well, probably during my separation or right after I got divorced. And he told me like, right outta the gates that he was never going to get married. And I was kind of turned off by it. Like, how do you know, like, how do you know that? Like I still don't know. I'm like three years out from like being on my own and actually a guy that I just met on an app that I was FaceTiming with last night, he's never been married. And he asked me the same question. Would you ever get married again? And I, it took me a minute to answer. That's what this is all about. Single Afaf. I don't know, like I don't have it all figured out yet. I have said it time and time again. I have this big open heart. I want to be open to love. I, I love the idea of having an awesome partner in life, but I, I just, I haven't met him yet. And I, I think until I meet someone that just absolutely knocks my socks off like that. I won't know. So my answer to the guy last night was, I mean, I think I hope so. I hope to fall for someone one day. I hope that I'm able to let my guard down and fall in love and trust someone with my heart to, you know, share my life with grow old with and, and be in a really healthy, committed relationship or marriage with. Yeah, I hope so. I hope so. So just to talk about the subject in general, I've done like the brighter side of being single as a podcast episode, I've rattled off lots of things that I love about living alone and you guys, it's all true. It still is the case. I love my autonomy and my freedom, and I love the excitement of not knowing what the rest of my life looks like in general, but then life does throw those curve balls, those unexpected turn of events that can cause a change of heart. Right. I just talked about it in my last episode. Here I am, again, clearly my heart is still broken. I just lost my dog. I also went to two funerals for family members in the past few months and events like that. And experiencing loss is a pretty quick wake up call. I found myself telling some of my girlfriends. Um, yeah, I think it would feel nice to have someone to hold me while I cry. I mean, that's me being vulnerable, but that's the truth. I mean, I laid in bed like three nights in a row and sobbed over my dog dying. And would it have been nice to have somebody to hold me and console me and to cuddle with and to understand me? Yes, yes. That is, um, definitely something lacking in my life is that kind of tender support that I just don't have that intimately. I have wonderful support in my friends and family. Um, but I don't have that, you know, really close, compassionate, um, support that you would have like in a, in a boyfriend girlfriend, you know, spouse, partner, whatever. So I just, I feel for all of you who have to go through hard things in life, health scares loss, grief, losses of a job, you know, sometimes it's in the loss in life that we recognize that maybe we are missing something, spending it alone. Okay. I'm going to transition to my Berry stories, stories from my step. I got some really great feedback from, I've gotta have faith, a podcast from episode one where I shared some of, uh, Barry's wisdom. And so I'm going to share some more. And again, he sent some of, um, our conversations that we've had. He shared them in the form of an email with me and I just wanna do him justice and I don't wanna leave out anything important. So it's easier for me to read what he has typed to me than to try to retell the stories. Because I, like I said, I just don't wanna screw him up. So, um, I'm gonna set this up. I'm piecing it together, but I'm gonna set this up by first, introducing you to a friend and mentor of Barry's. I'm going to change his name for anonymity. I'm gonna call him Muji. And he is, has been an integral part of Barry's life. And you'll see why after you learn more about him. So here we go. This is, um, the story of Maji he's from Iran. His father made him come to the United States in the late 1970s. He was around the age of 18 and his timing couldn't have been worse. He was only here a short time when the Iranian hostage crisis took place. He and Barry, this is Barry emailing me. So I'm just going to read it as he typed it. I know you are too young to remember that, but it was a big deal. Most people, including myself, knew nothing about Iran that made things worse for Maje. He unconditionally opposed the hostage situation, but most people here didn't believe him. Maje was a really good soccer player and was on an Iranian team that played here in Missouri. I remember him telling me that just before a game started, each member of his team took a rose to the members of the other team to show them that they did not support the taking of the hostages. The other team took the roses and threw them on the ground and stomped on them. His struggles were just starting. He was notified by the Iranian government to never return to Iran. He was told he would be shot at the airport. If he ever returned, it's been over 40 years and he's never been back. Maje worked part-time at McDonald's. He made a really special friendship with one of their employees that also ended terribly. His friend committed suicide. Maje was Muslim with all of the things going wrong in his life. His faith was suffering. He decided he was not going to abandon his Muslim faith. He was going to abandon any belief in God, as he put it, he had bottomed out and just didn't trust anyone as time passed. One of the employees of McDonald's invited him to his church. Maji said he didn't believe in God any longer. And because of his Muslim background, he certainly had no interest in a Christian Church, but responding. Similarly to me, he said he was hurting and what harm could it do? So he went, he now laughs about it. He said he hated the service, but enjoyed the music. Uh, I can relate to that sometimes. Um, even though he didn't intend to return, he was back the next Sunday to shorten this story. Maje is now a pastor at that church. He went from thinking Jesus was at best, a nice guy to now believing Jesus is truly God's son. Maje has a better message about Christianity than anyone I know Maje and I became friends. I truly can't think of anyone. I have more respect for. Barry goes on to say, I will talk more about Maje later, but now back to the purpose of this discussion, as I was digging out of my depression and dealing with all the things that were part of a breakup, I realized I had something much more important to resolve than my quote unquote relationship status. I was raised in a small town and attended church. Most of my life, I thought I was pretty clear on what I believed and what I didn't believe. What I learned in this men's group was that I really didn't have a clue what my beliefs were that may have been overstating the situation, but the truth was anytime my faith was tested, I failed. I decided to take some time and determine what I really believed. I knew I had to sort through that before. I could think about another relationship. I became a regular attendee at the men's group, and it was one of the best things that ever happened to me in the interest of time. Let's fast forward a few years, I was in a very similar place to where you are now. He's talking about me. I was alone, dead, single that's me, but maybe happier than I had ever been Ah-huh my life was really good. I was still going to the men's group, but instead of going, because I was depressed and desperate, I was teaching a class and helping people by sharing my experiences. Wow. Barry and I have some stuff in common.<laugh> like you, I had been in a few relationships. Most were short lived. Mm-hmm<affirmative> ding, ding, but some seem to have potential only to end unsuccessfully, but I dealt with these failed relationships differently because I hadn't allowed my heart to be stolen. That's one of the things I learned in the men's group. And I know I've shared with you guard your heart guard. Your heart was one. Oh, I should do a podcast. Episode guard your heart. That was one of the very first pieces of advice. Advice. Barry gave me, um, during my separation. Um, anyway, so let's go back about 16 years, a few years before I met your mother. Barry is my stepdad. After all, I was having a conversation with Maje, not a counseling session, just a conversation. As often happens with him. It became a deep conversation. He wanted to know if I was seen anyone. I told him I wasn't and didn't know if I ever would. He was trying to show concern by asking, but he made it sound like he felt sorry for me. I said, Maje, I'm doing great. I'm just not sure I'm supposed to be in a relationship. Let alone get married again. But I'm good with that. To my surprise. He pushed back a little bit. Had it been anyone else? I probably would've ended the conversation and moved on, but I had so much respect for Maje that I just couldn't do that. He said, I don't believe God wants you to be alone. Now I'm starting to push back. I said, come on Maje. I'm familiar with that teaching. I'm not alone. I have great friends. I'm not lonely.<laugh> who does that sound like? Um, to me, what God is saying is don't live in isolation, but I'm certainly not doing that. Now understand this friendly banter between Mia Maje was common. So it didn't bother him to smile at me and shake his head in disagreement. So the conversation went to a deeper level. I was sharing my heart. Now I told him one of the first things I learned in the men's group was how important marriage was to God. If you would've asked me earlier, what I thought I would've said, sure. Marriage is important to God, but this is one thing I had to revisit. It became clear that I had made a mockery of marriage. When I looked at my past and tried to acknowledge the importance of marriage to God, I had to admit I was a dismal failure. This happened a few months after I started going to the men's group. I told Maje how bad I felt about it. But I also told him that I had prayed about it and asked God to forgive me. I said, I totally believe he has forgiven me and has blessed me beyond anything I will ever deserve. But I said, I think God just wants me to be single. And I'm okay with that because I'm happier than I've ever been. To be totally honest. I was pretty proud of what I told Maje. It was only through faith and growth that I could make a statement like that and be totally secure with my feelings. And then he did it again. He smiled and shook his head in disagreement. The things miss Maji said, next changed my life. These are the reasons. Well, that's why he's telling this story to me essentially. Okay. Mae's reply was really simple. He said, that's a great story, but God doesn't work like that. Now I was pushing back pretty hard. I said, God is certainly not punishing me quite the opposite. I'm very blessed. I think because of all my past mistakes, he just wants me to be single. The church I was attending was a pretty big church. There were two services every Sunday morning and it was always very crowded. Maje said, Barry, let's imagine it's Sunday morning between services. People are everywhere and they're moving quickly. Now imagine there's a young father with a child that is just learning to walk. The child is holding onto his, his dad's finger. And suddenly let's go of it. He falls down and, and is now several feet from his dad. He gets up and starts walking toward him, but runs into someone and falls down. He gets up again and again, but continues to run into obstacles and falls down. Maje asked, what is his dad doing? Is his dad yelling at him and saying, come on, idiot. Just do it right. Did he say, just stay on the floor if you can't do it right? No, Barry, that's not what he would do. He would stand there with his arms open, full of love and say, come on, buddy, try it again. You can do it. He said, Barry, that's what God is saying to you. He isn't saying you've screwed up too many times. So just forget about it. He's standing there with his arms open saying he still believes in you in the letter to me, Barry went on to explain that he and Maje and some of the guys from the men's group wanted to do a study. If you will. And they wanted to call it, what would Jesus do? You know, like those plastic bracelets that everybody used to wear, maybe they still do with the WWJD. So the premise would be to put Jesus in like real world situations of today and uh, you know, morality, conflicts, things like that. And, um, discuss, talk through use proof sources. If you will, of like what, what they would think Jesus would do in those situations. So using himself, as an example, Barry said, come on, Maje, let's play. What would Jesus do? Let's say Jesus was divorced twice. He was also in a nine year relationship that failed. There were other short term relationships, all ending the same way. And those are berries experiences. FYI, the common denominator to all the failures was Jesus. So tell me Maje, what would Jesus do? Maje just sat there in total silence for a few minutes. Then he said, I have the answer. Are you sure you want to hear it? Even though I was convinced I was doing the right thing, I wanted to hear what he was thinking. So sure. Tell me what would Jesus do? He said he would do several things. And as it turns out, they are all critically important. The first thing he would do is ask God to forgive him for the mistakes he's made. The second thing he would do is accept his forgiveness. The next thing he would do is ask God how he could serve him best alone or with a spouse. He would wait for the answer. It's really important to see the shift in priorities here. Jesus, isn't saying I'll serve you. If you do something for me, he's acknowledging that he has a purpose. We all do. One of the most important lessons I learned during my time with the men's group came from the book, purpose driven life. That book impacted me in many ways, but one line just floored me. It was something that I had been seeing backwards all my life. The line was quote, God doesn't exist for my purpose. I exist for his fulfilling. Your purpose is more important than a spouse. So he's not making excuses. He's asking how he can do it better. This is really important rather than focus on a spouse, focus on your purpose and don't get caught up in thinking that you're supposed to save the world. Maybe your purpose is taking care of a parent or a friend. Maybe it's being a nurse or a teacher. The list is endless and it can all be vitally important. The question he's asking God is can he do it better alone or with a spouse? As Maje said, in almost every case it's with a spouse. If the answer is to be alone, he would accept that and move on knowing he's doing what God wants. If his answer is to have a spouse, he would trust that God will provide for him, but he would continue to serve God alone. Until that happened. When Maje finished, it was my turn to be silent for a few minutes. That discussion changed my life. I realized I wasn't condemned to being alone. I knew I was blessed, but I was still allowing guilt to influence how I felt and how I lived. Barry says, I want the listeners of your podcast to know they are not condemned because of past mistakes. I know they don't all share a belief in God, but I'm hoping Mae's story might convince and inspire them to put their faith as a higher priority. I want them to be brave and determine what they really believe. My hope is. They will discover. There really is a God. And he is standing there with his arms open saying, come on, try it again. I don't condemn you. I love you. And I hope they seek out their purpose and unapologetically pursue it with all of the passion they can find. I think it's a really beautiful story that Barry shared. And I love his story. As you can tell, just by listening to it, Barry's a deep thinker. Hmm. That's why we get along so well. I love having these types of conversations with him. And even if your beliefs don't align with what you just listened to, I'm gonna guess it still makes you think a little bit. And hopefully you can come to some own conclusions of what you know, your purpose is and what your beliefs are and where you stand. If it aligns with what Barry said or is the total opposite, whatever your truth is, discover it. You know, it's funny. I get asked really often, especially by strangers like on Instagram or in response to my podcast, they take everything at face value that says man, shopping on it and they ask me, well, what's gonna happen if you find a man, like, is all this over? And my response is always the same. Uh, no,<laugh>, I really do think that my purpose right now is to be doing exactly what I'm doing, sharing my thoughts, sharing my experiences to be relatable, to help other people just like me. And it's not because I have answers or know more than you do quite the opposite. It's just the fact that I'm willing to be vulnerable and share with you my struggles, my insecurities, my big life questions and talking into this microphone helps me to sort out my own thoughts. And I think it helps you guys too. So even if we don't all come to the same conclusions or agree exactly on, especially like the faith stuff or whatever, that's okay. My purpose is simply self discovery, growth, healing, getting better, figuring it out. Right. And I think the purpose of all of us being on earth is to connect with one another. Um, so that's what I'm trying to do. So I think it, I think it's funny, the<laugh> the title of this podcast episode. I I've labeled single AAF and I spent a good deal of it telling this Christian God based story, but Hey, you know what, that's pretty congruent with me and my life. Um, keeping it real over here, guys. Um, I'm a Christian, I have many, many beliefs that totally align with berries. Um, and I'm still kind of a little iffy on this one. I, I don't know if I alone am going to serve my purpose, um, in God's eyes and in the grand scheme of life, or if a partner is required or would enhance that. I tend to think, um, if I choose wisely, a partner will enhance my life's experience and my life's work. I'd love to hear how some of you guys feel. So hit me up. Will you let me know? Thank you guys so much for listening to season two, episode four, single a F it's been fun and please do consider sharing a link to the podcast. Um, and a text message. Make a post on social media, spread the word, trying to grow a, a big community of happy single people over here. And I need your help to do that up next season two, episode five is a conversation with a girlfriend of mine. We are going to be discussing age difference in dating and relationships. We have opposite experiences and if you've listened to anything I've talked about, you'll know I'm the ages. I do not date people much outside of my own age of now 44. And she, well, she takes a different approach.