EP51- My Take on the Hot Crazy Matrix

In this episode, I share my thoughts on the Hot Crazy Matrix. I talk about how appearance, mental stability and emotional availability affect our search for a compatible partner.
To begin, I think the terms hot, crazy, and emotionally unavailable are incredibly subjective. My idea of a HOT man, vastly differs from friend's opinions. I share a recent example.
For the most part, I believe that what is "hot" to you, may not be "hot" to me. BUT, I also think there are some universally undeniably hot people out there who we can all agree on. 
To begin, I think it's wise for all of us to take an honest inventory of ourselves, physically. To drive home the point, I critique my own appearance.
 I think some people have a skewed version of their own attractiveness and it leads them to disappointment and an altered sense of reality regarding who they can attract based on physical traits alone. So, I suggest we should all consider how hot, crazy, and emotionally unavailable are WE before we cast judgement on others.
Recently, I went on a date with a guy who shared with me that when he comes across a really beautiful woman on a dating app, the first question that comes to his mind is... (Fill in the _) What is WRONG with her? 
 I think this is a storyline society creates. If you're gorgeous and alone, you must be crazy. 
From a female perspective, I think pretty boys are hard to find. When we're young, there are attractive people everywhere but as we age, I think it's MUCH harder to find someone we're attracted to. Speaking for myself, I am discerning and have had a hard time finding someone I have chemistry with at this point in my life. I make the point that  our married friends have grown old with the loves of their lives. They fell for each other when they were young and hot and it still works because they've formed a loving bond so they're still into each other. Us singles out here are trying to be attracted to this older version of ourselves and it can be challenging.
Have you ever tried to date someone who you don't consider to be that "hot" ? You try to convince yourself that because they're a good person the feelings will grow and you can make it work? I have. It's my opinion that there are physical, hormonal, chemical things that need to be present in order for sparks to fly. I just don't think you can make this shit up!
Next, I share a CRAZY story a guy once shared with me. He was so taken with her beauty that he wanted to show her off to her friends. In my opinion, big mistake. 
The female version of the hot/emotionally unavailable matrix is laughable and definitely has some truth to it.  At times, I've been guilty of being attracted to men who aren't available because I have been guarded and not ready for a relationship. 
 Rich, successful, men with high social status will always attract some women who are seeking security, wealth, a free ride, whatever. What's worse, a guy dating a crazy hot chick or a woman dating an old rich guy?!
Lastly, I share some of Darwin's theories on "Mate Value". 

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Welcome to man shopping with Stacy, where I share my real transparent dating and life experiences for your amusement and inspiration. I'm your host, Stacey weer, and you are listening to episode 51. My take on the hot, crazy matrix, quick public service announcement. If you do not know what the hot crazy matrix is, please go to YouTube and search for it. Spare yourself a couple of minutes so that you can follow what I'm talking about on this podcast episode. And Hey, while you're at it, look up the female version of this, which is the hot emotional unavailability matrix, as well as I will be referencing both in this episode. I'm just gonna give you my opinion on both of these matrix and what they mean to me. I'm also going to share with you some discussions that I've had with both men and women in my life, friends of mine, as well as guys I've gone on dates with that I've talked to about this. Um, yeah. And, uh, lastly, I'm gonna share with you some real world experiences that I have witnessed, uh, regarding these matrix and, uh, scientific explanations that I have read about on this subject. So let's just do this<laugh> I have to admit, I rarely drink and podcast like very rarely. Usually I'm sipping on water because I'm talking so much, I'm like foaming at the mouth. And when my friends have recorded with me, I'm typically drinking something caffeinated while they are half cracked, because it's hard to talk behind this microphone. We all worry about judgment on the other end. Like, I try very hard to overcome that. And tonight I'm gonna overcome it with a tiny little glass of wine sitting next to me, because this is some shallow stuff. This is like stereotypes and talking about looks and things that we're not supposed to care about, but we all do, right. So I wanna begin by just talking about how subjective the terms hot, crazy, and emotional unavailability really are. Right?<laugh> so, I mean, let's be real. My idea of a hot man vastly differs from my friend's opinions of hot men case. In point, I was talking to a girlfriend the other night, she's telling me about a dad on her son's baseball team. He at, at the baseball game, she was just like drooling over him. He's this really big hunk of a man with just bulging arms, you know, huge biceps, veiny, forearms, tan had a tattoo sleeve wearing athletic clothes, just like she could see the muscles in his shorts because he had like kind of shorty shorts on, um, which she liked on him. He was bald. She didn't care. He had on some sort of like bucket hat because it's like 190 degrees in Kansas city these days. Um, anyway, she's like, I don't know, like I don't, I didn't think I had a type, like didn't really think I was that into tattoos or like beef cakes, but God, I just look forward to seeing that dad at every freaking baseball game I go to and I'm sitting here going, there's no way I would even give that guy a second look like that is so far from like my idea of like what handsome is. Right? So you see my point, we're all into different stuff. What is hot to you is not hot to me. But in saying that there are some universal things that I think most of us find attractive, right? Like if I just were to say the name, Ryan Reynolds, I seriously doubt you girls like, correct me if I'm wrong, but, that man is beautiful.<laugh> and I just, I can't find anything wrong with him. I mean, he has like the perfect jawline, like great skin, perfect hair, great body, like dresses. So Soho stylish, like, and to boot he's like seemingly a wonderful husband to his wife. He's a loving adoring father. And the kicker of course, is that he's freaking hilarious and witty as all get out. He's a comic genius. Yeah. What is there not to find hot about Ryan Reynolds? I don't know. Okay. To keep this thing fair and balanced, let's give a female version of this example of hotness. Who would it be? Oh, I don't know. Megan Fox. Right? Exotic, thin busty, curvy. Sensuous alluring. Yeah. Megan Fox is hot. Like who is going to disagree with those two people, right? Like, yes, we can all agree that some people are just undeniably really, really good looking. I'm horrible at trying to do impersonations. But do you remember that line from Zoolander? Yeah. I mean, there are those people and I've talked about this on previous episodes. I think it's wise for all of us to take a real long hard look at ourselves on every level. But right now we're talking the shallow outside level. Look at yourself in the mirror as others. See you not to be overly critical, just to be honest. Right. Okay. I'm just gonna, I'm gonna take one for the team over here. I am not even five, two. You guys not even five, two. I tell everyone I'm pretty soft. Yeah. I'm not a hard body. Yeah. I mean, I've got a little bit of muscle tone here and there, but you know what? I'm pretty squishy too. And I'm good with that. I don't want, I've never had rock hard abs I've never really wanted them. I don't know. Um, that's just me. I'm not really, I'm very disciplined, but I'm not really willing to like work my off for perfection. So, um, that's my body in a nutshell. Okay. I, I have highlighted hair, right? So I'm a blonde. I know. Good and well that a certain percentage of men really, really are only attracted to darker complected, darker haired, um, you know, different ethnicities. I am not going to be everyone's cup of tea. Hey, guess what? I'm good with that. I mean, I am a short white girl. Take me for who I am. Right. So in saying that I was just talking to a girlfriend tonight and it was hilarious. We, she said it, but I, I have thought it and said it before as well, like, if I could just have the confidence of most average middle-aged men, like the guts and gall and nerve of some guys<laugh> to like, think that they are God's gift everyone. And like how some of us women should just feel so like blessed to be in their company, let alone get to like have sex with them. It's insane. The ego, um, that some people, not just men, that's just coming from my girlfriend and I, and my perspective, um, women do it too. Right. They people just somehow like maybe they just view themselves as they were like in their glory days, you know, back on the high school football team when they were a fricking stud and could run a five and a half minute mile or, you know, have a 37 inch vertical jump or, you know, had all their hair or whatever, and women same, right. Sometimes women have a skewed version of themselves too. We still, you know, still think of ourselves as, you know, the, the size to prom queen or, um, you know, the girl that could attract all of the attention from across the room. And we forget sometimes maybe that, oh, you know what, you're just the soccer mom sitting in the corner with a, with a Starbucks in front of you. Um, so anyway, my point is<laugh>, I think we all in, um, setting up these matrix need to do a little inventory of ourselves, how hot and crazy and emotionally available are we, um, while we are judging all of these qualities in others, right? And acknowledging how subjective all of this is, because what is hot to you is not hot to me and what you consider crazy. Mm. I mean, maybe that's not quite as subjective, I don't know, but what we're all willing to deal with, um, or live with, or date in the realm of someone being crazy or emotionally unavailable is a whole nother thing. Right? I was on a date recently and my date knew that I was working on this episode and he humored me and had a whole discussion with me about this subject. And what he led with was on online dating apps when he comes across a knockout, beautiful woman, his first question is, fill in the blank, go ahead. What's his first question, what's wrong with her? And he acknowledged, you know, that's kind of what society like this storyline, that society creates, right? Like if you're beautiful and you're single, there must be something wrong with your brain. Like you must be crazy. And that term crazy is almost only attributed to women. And then he went on to say that, you know, women are crazy and in his opinion, men get labeled as narcissist. And I don't disagree with him. I mean, if you're online a lot, um, reading about divorce, dating, being single, these are topics that come up all the time. Um, narcissism is way, way, way over, um, over what am I trying to say, diagnosed<laugh> by, by those of us who are not, um, clinical psych or whatever, but true. So anyway, but like from his gut honest perspective, he's like, what's wrong with her? Like, why, why is this beautiful woman all alone in the world? Like, why hasn't she been scooped up yet? Um, I, I, I get it, you know, and, um, I don't know, I think from a female perspective and I mean, this is, again, me being vulnerable here, as I talk to married and single women alike, uh, pretty boys are hard to find, um, like, and it just gets harder, you know, like attractiveness and everything. It, it, it's funny, you know, whenever you're young and in high school and college or whatever, like there are attractive people everywhere. Like you could fall for one of a dozen people in your college lecture hall, right. And then you age and, uh, go through life and everything changes and you can search and seek and desperately look in every direction and not find someone that you're attracted to. It is, uh, just a staggering problem. I don't care who you are. Um, I've been on a lot of dates. I've met a lot of single people, a lot of different walks of life, a lot of different physical characteristics. And we all have the same struggles. Sure. There are people who are not very discerning who find a wide spectrum of people, uh, fuckable. Sure. I mean, there, there are those people, but for most of us average, normal people looking for a real honest connection to, um, meet someone to care about or to build a relationship with that physical piece is hard to find. It just is. Right. So this conversation with this date of mine went in a couple different directions. One of the things that I said to him that I think is true of people in our demographic is this idea that it's hard to be attracted sometimes to who we are now. Right. Kind of like I just was saying like, we're, we're not who we<laugh>. We don't look the same as we did maybe before we had babies or, or before we put on weight or before we got wrinkles, it's different than our friends and loved ones who have grown old with the loves of their lives. Right. So in marriage or long term relationships, oftentimes you meet and fall for one another. That chemistry, that sexual bond is formed when you're young and hot, and then you grow old together and it still works, right? Like you're still into one another because you always have been and you've aged together and you've grown into one another and then a single people are out here trying to be attracted to this version of us. Does that make sense? I hope so. It's different. It's different. And, um, I mean, I've had these conversations with my stepdad, Barry too. He's had friends, you know, men and women. Um, he told me about a female friend of his and he's like, I think in her mind, she's like 35 still. And so she's expecting to attract a guy that looks like that, but she's not 35 anymore. I mean, I'm not 35 anymore. So, um, yeah, it's, it's an interesting dynamic, um, meeting each other where we truly are right now. So while I'm still on this hot label from the matrix, right. Um, I've had a conversation with a female friend of mine too. And she and I have gone through lots of ebbs and flows of dating and being single and caring and not caring and, you know, kind of changing our, um, our strategy, if you will.<laugh> like on online dating. And I, if you've been single for a while, this should resonate with you where like, I mean, at times you can be like highly critical. Like I have these deal breakers and it, these guys don't match exactly what I'm looking for. There's no way I'm gonna swipe. Right. I'm only gonna swipe, right. If I am over the moon, excited to meet them and they fit this perfect little picture of what I'm looking for. And then there may be times when you're dating life where you're like, ah, it. Like, he's basically like, he lives in the same city and he is like the right age. I don't know. Let's just give this a try. Um, so anyway, I'm having a conversation with a girlfriend of mine that we've talked through, all of this kind of stuff. And she's like, you know, I mean, I take a step back and I like, look at my neighbors. She lives in, you know, suburbia. And she's like, you know, oftentimes the women have like, you know, taken care of themselves. They're, they're all spelt and Botoxed and hair extensions and look fricking knockout like knockouts, you know, and they're husbands. I mean, some of'em are like pudgy and, you know, boring and you know, this and that, like just not, not nearly as attractive as the women and they're happy, you know? I mean, like they make it work. Like, I mean, I know they're having sex, they've been married for, you know, like it, I maybe, maybe I need to like lower my standards. Maybe I need to like, be a little bit more open-minded that I could, I could find like a different type of guy to be attractive. And then it just brings me right back to what I was just talking about. Yeah. Because they've freaking been married, they chose each other. They, you know, were attracted to each other when they met. And it still works because they've formed a loving bond and it's just different than like meeting today. It just is in my humble opinion. I think again, if you've been single for very long and you've dated a smidge, you can probably relate to this one too. How many of you have gone out with someone who doesn't necessarily fit your image of, uh, what is attractive or hot if you will. And you've told yourself like, but this is a really good person. This is a good person with a good soul. And I am going to, to continue to see this person because I enjoy their company. And they're just such a good person. And I know because I am a good person too, that this is gonna work over the course of time. I will feel the feelings and you know where I'm going with this. Like this came up too on the date with a guy recently, he admitted that he met this woman, that it was just such a good person. Right. And, uh, it's like the whole nice guy syndrome or whatever. He tried to wait it out and it just never happened. They just never clicked like that. And, you know, I think he felt bad. I think we all get a little disappointed in ourselves when stuff like that happens because we have good intentions, but here's the deal. People, we just cannot make this up. Like, you know, there are scientific chemical, biological, hormonal things that need to happen in order to cause that attraction, that whole magical spark that some of us believe in more than others. And, uh, even with really, uh, pure hearts and good intentions, sometimes we just can't make it happen. It's a struggle. I mean, the struggle is real. Um, so I'm gonna move on to this idea of like the crazy, right. So I met this guy, I don't know, a couple years ago. And he was telling me all these crazy dating stories. He's never been married. He's in his mid forties. He's been on a lot of dates. Right. And so he was telling me this story about this woman that he met online, they went out a time or two and he was just really into her. She, he just kept talking about how gorgeous she was. Right. She was so gorgeous. Like he just was totally enamored with her so much. So that after a date or two, he asked her to meet him out with a friend of his like close buddy of his he's like, you gotta meet this girl. Obviously he wanted to show her off. Right. Because she's hot. So he's out with his buddy and this girl shows up and like, she's not holding a conversation very well. She's not very intelligent, but boy is she cute? You know, whatever. She's pretty. And I can't even believe I'm telling you this story. So anyway, he goes on to say like, this woman is sitting there and she keeps like, shifting, like from one butt cheek to the other, right. Like she's like real, like uncomfortable in her seat at the wherever restaurant or bar or wherever they're at so much. So that he asks her like, are you, are you okay? Is something something wrong? Like seems like something's off. And she's like, oh no, that's just my butt plug. Uh, and he told me this story, like, this is his poor choice. I mean, I guess, I mean, I consider it a poor choice. Maybe he didn't like, this is his story to tell I'm like, are you kidding me? Like the clearly the only criteria he was concerned about in going out with this woman is like her physical appearance, because there wasn't much else going on, like in her brain or like what, what she, you know, brought to the table other than her butt plug, what the? Like I have never, ever, ever, like,<laugh> encountered anything, like even close to that because, um, I'm a little more discerning. I mean, I've gone out with some guys that I've been disappointed in or like things haven't gone well, but seriously, like, I don't feel sorry for guys who like, just don't even like, where do you work? What, like, where'd you grow up? Like, tell me about like your family. Who are you again? What's your last name? Um, yeah, I mean to just like go out with some random girl and have that happen, like how, like, I would be mortified. And it's interesting because I have told that story to a handful of friends, a couple of them like did not even flinch. Like I tell that story and they're like Uhhuh, and then what I'm like, that's it like, isn't that like, appalling, like my jaw like dropped when he said that. And then they remind me that I'm naive and boring and a prude. And then, you know, I do have other friends that react like me, like shock and awe like, oh my gosh, like there are people like that out in the world. Yeah. There are. Anyway, my whole point is not that she's crazy. Right. Like whatever, she's obviously more sexually liberal. I don't know more adventurous than me I guess. But, um, yeah, the crazy, the, the crazy, along with the hot, you know, whatevs, I, I think that, uh, there's a whole spectrum of crazy and I've encountered plenty of crazy women and men, and I don't see the correlation, but apparently, um, it's a thing<laugh> because I, I do think most men think that this hot, crazy matrix is, uh, definitely like, uh, very, very real. Right. Okay. So likewise, right. We've got this, uh, female version with the emotional unavailability<laugh>, which I find equally amusing. Um, and also kind of true. Um, I mean really like using her criteria, like her, her date zone is more like my husband zone because like the longer that I date the, I guess the lower, the expectations become on some of this stuff. Sad, but true. Um, and I just made a joke to my friends the other day, um, that I, I think that the more unavailable a man is, and I don't just mean like he's busy. I mean, like his he's separated, his divorce hasn't really gotten finalized yet. His world is a, like in turmoil stuff is going wrong. Yeah. Um, oddly that's, uh, sometimes the guy that I end up interested in and I do think it's because, uh, they're not available. Yeah. So therefore they're safe and I can get hung up on'em and, um, nothing will ever come of it. So a piece of the female matrix, you know, version of this is Richmond, right? I mean, how many times have we seen this play out? Right. Like Hugh Hefner, right. With all these Playboy bunnies running around, um, would they be dating Hugh Hefner if he were a, I don't know, middle school algebra teacher. Hell no. It's because he is Hugh Hefner, right. Or he was Hugh Hefner anyway. Um, you know what I, where I'm going with this, right. Rich guys, successful guys status, it's always, um, appealing to a certain percentage of people or coveted or valued more than looks or attraction. Uh, women looking for security, a free ride. However you wanna look at it like this is just a fact of life. This is how, um, some people partner up and I don't know, what's, you know, what's, what's worse guy dating a crazy hot chick or a woman dating a rich old guy. I don't know. This is like facts of life, but Darwin actually like had some theories on this<laugh> and I read about it. So I'll share that with you, admittedly, this is taken completely out of context and from an online article that I read, but according to Charles Darwin's theory of sexual selection, all of us have a quote unquote mate value, a numerical rating that determines how desirable we are to other people. While it's the sum of a variety of traits, one's mate value is largely determined by physical appearance for women and resources for men. The article goes on to say that choosing the person we want to spend our lives with in such a clinical way is unromantic to say the least. But according to a new study, published in personality and social psychology bulletin, having a very conventionally attractive wife or a rich husband could lead to a happier marriage. Again, this is why when we're on dating apps, we see or hear about men complaining about all of the filtered photos of women. It's because we are trying to appear more attractive, right, or old photos or whatever. And then us ladies are over here complaining about men holding photos with giant fish, showing us how capable they are of providing for us. Right? I mean, basic good old fashioned Darwinism at its finest, I guess. I mean, at the end of the day, we are just all animals, you know, socialized beast, trying to, trying to figure it out. And I swear the older we get and the more complicated life gets and these quadrants get smaller, the unicorns are harder to find. It's all just, you know, hot, crazy mess is what it is.<laugh> hope you've had fun and laughed a little at this episode. That's the intent here. Don't take any of this stuff too seriously if you do, you're gonna be very, very, very sad, very sad and very alone. Let's find, uh, the lighter side of things and, uh, and just make fun of ourselves. Um, every once in a while. That's how we're gonna get through this. Get through this hot, crazy mess together. I think. Thank you guys so much for, uh, listening to my potty mouth and hopefully for laughing along with me and thank you for listening and sharing the podcast with your friends and loved ones. I think it works pretty well to just text the link and, uh, you know, word of mouth is good too. That's how podcasts grow and I just appreciate you guys sharing. So, so very much. Um, and up next, I think it's another fun one. I mean, I'm having fun over here. I think I might just title it. God game question, mark. Cuz man, do I just really love it when a guy has game.