EP52~ Got Game?

In this episode, I talk about that undeniable pull that some individuals have. I share some stories from my youth, recent experiences, and a story of one of my girlfriends.
I have a theory some people are just born with game. To drive this point home, I share stories of a kid I knew in elementary school and a boy I nannied while I was in college. These boys had the it-factor and it was undeniable as early as fourth grade. They were confident, but not arrogant. 
"Game" is almost never used as a female connotation. I do think as we get older, the term is less about confidence and potentially more about arrogance. 
I've maybe met a couple of guys with game as an adult. I enjoy a little game of flirt and fun. When it's lacking, I feel like dates feel too buttoned up and more business than pleasure.
John Denver, a guy I dated,  had a little bit of game. He was quit witted in texts. He was pretty good at banter and flirting. He was adoring and complimentary. He was a bit spontaneous and impulsive. When we were together, he opened doors, held my hand, and called me pet names. He was direct. The opposite of having game is playing games. You know, being coy - not responding to texts, waiting to call, being unavailable. 
I have a girlfriend who I think has a lot of game. She's bold, sexual, direct, funny, and flirty. She made a joke about her husband not having game. I love how she explained him. She said, "My husband doesn't have game. He has manners." 
Next, I share a story of a guy from my home town who somehow managed to sleep with a bunch of girls and he got most of them pregnant. He has several baby mama's and I don't really know how or why. My friend knows a very similar guy with eerily similar features. These two average guys make us wonder what it was about them that attracted women without even having to try. We decided it was their reputation and track record with women that made other women want them.
I think the different facets of game are interesting:

• sex appeal
• confidence
• it-factor
• button pushers
• plays coy
• don't have to try
• mysterious

In conversations with my friends we tended to agree that men who have a really strong "game" often are the ones who hurt us. It's sad but true. I share how I've been hurt by these guys and also how I've used my "powers" for evil rather than good. "Game" can be used in smart and sexy ways or to manipulate and hurt.
I think people with a good amount of game do these communicate well ( I go into great detail about this.) I tell a story of a guy I was interested in years ago after my first divorce. He complimented features about me that I was insecure about - my hair and my hands, etc. I felt like he was being insincere and not honest compliments. 
I share another story of a coffee date. On our first and only date, he revealed to me that he had a nose job. It caused some issues in his previous marriage. He wanted to know how I felt about it. I told him I wasn't bothered by it and thought he looked great. As we continued to discuss cosmetic surgeries, I got the feeling maybe what he really wanted to know was if I was open to altering my own body. This was pre- boob job...
I think a common denominator of game is the ability to make someone feel special in a sincere and honest way and be able to verbalize it without restraint. To me, good game is sexy, fun, sincere, genuine, honest, and played with good intention.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Welcome to man shopping with Stacy, where I share my real transparent dating and life experiences for your amusement and inspiration. I'm your host, Stacy weer, and you are listening to season two episode 52 got game. In this episode, I'm going to talk about all things game related, you know, that like undeniable pole and sexy attraction that some individuals have mm-hmm<affirmative> and tell some stories from, uh, from my hometown, from my, um, youth, as well as maybe some recent dating stories. And I'm going to share my friend's point of view. My girlfriend, she's got a great example, um, of a guy who had game, um, from college and she shared some really good details about him. And then just some really solid points about this topic in general, that I think you guys are really going to appreciate to begin. I'm going to share a theory of mine that I think some people are just born with game. Let me share an example with you from my youth in my hometown of Sedalia, Missouri, when my cousin, Mandy and I were fourth graders at wittier elementary, we met a new boy mm-hmm<affirmative> he and his family had just moved to Sedalia and he had two older brothers and the three of them. Well, the three of them were very, very cute. They got a lot of attention as soon as they, as soon as they showed up, you know, at the, uh, playground and the, uh, the oldest boy was planning a birthday party. He must have been in like, let's say the eighth grade. And funny enough, he had a thing for my older cousin, Carmen. Yeah. So when he had this birthday party of boys and girls over to the house, there was no doubt that he was going to be spending most of his night, like with his arm hanging around my older cousin, Carmen, who I totally looked up to. Okay. So this party is in the works and their parents allowed the middle and the youngest son to each invite a friend. Well, they didn't invite like maybe a boy from the baseball team or someone from their like homeroom class. Who did they invite? Hmm, middle son invited my cousin, Mandy and youngest son invited me. Mm-hmm<affirmative> so three cousins, um, hanging out at a, you know, kid party, um, that didn't really feel like a kid party. Yeah. I remember when this boy called my house and asked if I could come to his older brother's birthday party. And I distinctly remember my dad being like, uh, no,<laugh> no, she can't go. Um, it's with older kids, a boy invited her. She is a fourth grader and that does not seem appropriate. And then there was like me and my, um, manipulative convincing ways, uh, you know, at, uh, whatever I was like, what nine, 10 years old? I don't even know. Yeah. Uh, story of my life. I Beni pleated with my parents and got my way. And most likely since my cousins had also been invited, that probably helped my odds, you know, because like, if my older cousin was going to be there, then of course it would be like safe because she could look out for us. Right. So we all show up at this party and it's basically like couples dancing in a garage or downstairs. I don't really remember that. Well, but what I do remember was the boy that invited me. He, he was dressed nice. He looked good. He had cologne on, he probs had like gel in his hair and he was smooth. I mean, like we were on a date, like this was a thing when we danced, he put his hands in my back pockets. You guys like, this is like, pre-pubescent fourth grade. What the hell? This, uh, this is a, this is something, this is a, this is a boy who's got game<laugh>. Yeah. Um, couple years later, same, same boy, sixth grade roller rink. Mm-hmm<affirmative> first kiss. It was just a, you know, casual little smooch smooch on the lips, but I mean, that counts, right? Yeah. Him, I think, I think he was, think he was born with game funny enough, after all these years and all this stuff that's happened in all of our lives that boy, this boy with the game, he's married to a girl who may just have like the best game of all this like straight shooting, like sharp tongue smart, funny ferocious female friend of mine.<laugh> so I have to think that maybe they are an excellent match as they have been married for a long time. Now I think how funny is that though? Like fourth grade? I mean, I could also speak about a little fourth grader that I nannied while I was in college. Um, boy, do I love this family that I NAD for in college? I think I've, I think I've talked about them on this, uh, podcast before, but they really made like a huge impression on me and kinda shaped the woman that I wanted to be and the type of mother that I wanted to be. But boy, at funny, looking back that their oldest, um, their son, oh my gosh, total game. I mean talk about the gel and the hair and the cologne. He was all about it. I remember dropping him off at the swimming pool, um, one summer and I mean, everyone was shouting his name, like, come over here, come be, Hey, you know, waving, cuz they were just all so happy to see this kid that just had it, you know, that it factor that undeniable like smoother than silk, like hot, something about them just drew attention. You know, the boys I'm talking about now were like confident. They weren't arrogant. You know, they, they just had this sway about them. They just carried themselves with just ultimate ultimate confidence. Right. Well, it's funny how that translates as we get older and things get more complicated and you know, hopefully we get a little wiser and a little bit more worldly, but I don't know if that's true. I feel like this, like it factor this, this game. I mean, I'm just gonna go ahead and point out. One of the things that my girlfriends talked about was how, when you say game, it almost always is related to a guy. Right? He's got game. Oh my God is he have such game it's never really used in like a female connotation, which is interesting. But I will say like obviously the, the game gets a little bit more intricate and manipulative. It, it doesn't necessarily mean in a bad way, but um, just a little bit more savvy as we, you know, get to be more mature. Right. So in dating as an adult, I've experienced game, like really solid game. Like a couple of times<laugh> so sad, but it's so true. It's one of my biggest complaints in dating. Um, as an adult, like later in life with my girlfriends, I'm like, oh my gosh, like, you know, this guy's a box checker. He is great on paper and whatever. And then we go out and it's like, I'm at a freaking like business interview. Everything's buttoned up. It's it's um, professional, you know, it doesn't feel like the guy's into me at all. There's no compliments. There's no flattery. There's no touching my hand or my shoulder or God forbid my thigh. Like, it just isn't happening. There's no kiss. There's no spark. There's no nothing. That guy does not have game. That's been a big complaint of mine over the course of time. And even like in FaceTimes, like that I've had with men from out of town, I'm like, uh, yeah, I just don't feel it. Like, there's just nothing there. Like nothing drawing me to him. And likewise, I have found that about myself. I mean, I I've said this multiple times. My girlfriends have, oftentimes when I get back from a date that I tell them felt more like a business interview, they'll be like, yeah, but did you flirt with him? No,<laugh> no, I didn't. Well, Hey, guess what if I am into a guy you better believe they know it. You better believe it because there's no way that I am not going to make it blatantly obvious that I'm into someone I'm really into. So I'm gonna give you another example of a guy who's got game and it's a little bit more nuanced than like splashing on CK one and you know, um, smooching me at the roller rink. So this guy, um, definitely has the largest chapter of man shopping with Stacy the book. And I call him John Denver<laugh> and um, and you know, he had it, he had that little bit of game that I have an appreciation for he's spontaneous. He was pretty impulsive. Uh, one of the first things that I noticed, which we all do, if you have, you know, whatever done some online, dating what? I talked with chatted with someone, he was great at texting. He was witty. He was quick. He was, uh, he made me laugh and I understood what he was trying to say without having to ask questions, which means he was direct, right? Direct, funny, witty. We had great banter back and forth. We just kind of got each other and he was flirty and I liked it. You know, some of the other things that he did was he was super adoring and complimentary, like not over the top. And he knew I was into him. So it was safe. Like he wasn't gonna like push me away or come on eager to strong. Like I liked it aside from like just flattering me.<laugh> when we were together, he, he held my hand, put his arm around my waist, opened doors, called me pet names a lot. And like early on, early on one of the other points that my friend made, I guess what I'm doing here is just weaving in my friends, my friends, um, examples and experiences too. She's like, she's like, is it game? Or is it just having balls? Like, is it just having the confidence to say what you mean? And to put it out there and just, just let it be known that you like someone. Cause I mean, the opposite of like having game in my opinion is playing games. You know, being coy, not texting back for three days, ignoring you for hours on end when you know, you know, good and well, their phone is right there in front of'em and they're choosing to not text you back playing games. Hmm. Does not equate to someone who has got game. No, someone who has game has balls. Right. And you know, that earlier point that I made about like, it's almost always like in reference to a man he's got game, dude, let me tell you about my friend. She's got some game<laugh> she was laughing when she was telling me she's like, uh, funny thing. I married a guy who really has no game. This is what I love. She said, no, he doesn't, he doesn't have any game. I'm pretty sure I'm the one who had the game because she's like, you know, kind of aggressive and clear, direct and to the point and flirty and super sexual. But she's like, no, my husband really doesn't have game. He has manners. Mm-hmm<affirmative> I love it so much though. Like that works. That totally works. You know, talking about the subject with some of my other girlfriends. It's funny, we came up with a couple very, very similar guys. There were very obvious shared traits between a couple of guys that we could both relate to. So one of these guys, the guy that I told about, I don't even know him. Okay. He's several years older than me. I know of him. Right. Because I mean, I mean, he's something<laugh> he, uh, good looking guy, tall fit, athletic, really great basketball player. Well, liked smiled a lot. Carried himself with a lot of confidence. I don't know. Maybe ego, maybe not. I don't know. I don't know him personally. What I do know is he has several children by several different women. And he did like when we were really young, so a lot of women wanted to be his baby mama a lot. So in sharing his story, I had a friend pipe up and like, oh my gosh, I can totally relate to that. She's like, and this takes a little bit of a different spin. So hang with me. This isn't just a guy who like knows how to flirt. Like this is a guy with some serious gain that doesn't really make sense or add up. So she told this story of this guy from college. Right. And she's like, so there's this guy, um, Atoo. Right. And he was tall. Okay. Tall, common denominator, I guess. I don't know. Really thin waist like toned fit. Not necessarily overly like good looking, not too much of a pretty boy. And it wasn't even like he dressed, well, he kind of what she said<laugh> she said he kind of looked jobless and I'm like, okay. So an unemployed young man hanging out in a college town, but he didn't actually even go to college. Okay. So she was at Mizzou, but this guy was not, he just kind of was at some of the parties and like hanging out in some of the same circles. All right. So interestingly enough, she's like this, you know, kinda average looking guy, uh, got all the girls and it just, it made you kind of wonder, right? He was mysterious. He had this air about him. She's like, he didn't even flirt. He just gave a sexy look. He didn't even have to try. So like in talking to her about him, we kind of decided that it was like reputation. Right. It's like, I heard he's got game.<laugh> like never experienced it. Never felt it for myself, but good God when he looked at me, uh, yeah, I felt it. Right. So my friend decided that she needed some of that because I mean, I don't know. There were some other, like really awesome girls who had been with him and she's like, yeah, there's gotta be something to it and leave it to my friend to figure it out. So she was at a college bar at Mizzou and he was there and you know, non-college student at whatever, jobless, homeless, I don't know at the, at the bar. And she walks up to him. Uh, this friend has game. This is what she said now, little cutter, some slack, because she was like, you know, 21 or something. She's like, I don't have any panties on. I mean, that's a line. I, I think she's got game. And I think it worked, actually, I know it worked. So, you know, they go back to her place, whatever. And she's like, alright, now we're gonna figure this out. I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait. Like, oh my God, this guy must have like, in her words, a 10 inch long, cuz that's what she said. That's what she said. Um, so they have sex and she's like, okay, so what like average penis, average sex, not bad, you know, but not like freaking mind blowing, not, not worthy of the kind of reputation that this guy had out and about at Mizzou. Like what the hell, what gives, like how did he do that? How did he do that? I don't know. I kind of think sometimes if a guy, a mediocre guy dates a or, or vice versa, right. Dates a a really special, really great girl. Like other people, like their perception is that he's better than he is or she's better than she is. I don't know. Doesn't make sense. Psychology people. I don't know what it was, but that guy had game. And my friend, um, she had had a disappointment is what she had. I don't know about you, but I found, I find it kind of interesting. The, the different connotations we have for like game. Like sometimes it's just like sex appeal like that. Like I said, it factor, right? Like, I mean there, um, confident they look good, they smell good. They know how to touch you. They know what to say. They know how to push your buttons and, and all of that. And you could equate that to having game, I guess, or there's this complete opposite Mo where, where someone like plays coy. Right. They, they don't even have to try. They just sit back and like give a wink, look across the room. They're just there.<laugh>, they're just there. And you've heard your girlfriends chatter about them or they have this reputation or they just, they have some sense of mystery about them. That just makes you wonder that you like have to find out for yourself. I don't know. It's strange. It's strange when you like compare and contrast the different types of game that people have. But you know, like I mentioned earlier, like there's a difference between having game and playing game. Right. But in conversations with my girlfriends, we did tend to think that men who have a really strong game often are the ones who have hurt us. They use their powers for evil and not for good, uh, sad, but true. I mean, definitely I've been the victim of that.<laugh> more than once John Denver being one person who hurt me, but you know, what kind of like my friend was like kinda taking the credit in, in her family for having the game between, between like her and her husband. Right. There have been times in my life where I have used my powers for, for, for evil instead of good as well. I distinctly remember at one point when my high school boyfriend and I broke up and I recognized that, um, wow, I could, I could flirt with someone and get their attention and kind of liked it kind of, kind of liked being in control, kind of liked having a little bit of power. Um, it was a learning experience for me because I had never been in that position before. And I was like 17 years old and I could just like, you know, call whoever I wanted and sit next to whoever I wanted for the first time in high school, because I'd always had a boyfriend and I absolutely used it to my advantage and stirred up all sorts of trouble. Are you kidding me? Little heartbreaker. That's what happens when, I guess when you have your own heart broken though, and you're young, you're figuring stuff out, right? I'll cut myself a little bit of slack, this, uh, this element of game. It can, it can be used<laugh> in, in both like really smart and sexy and good ways. And it could be used to just like, I keep using the word manipulate and hurt people. Oh, this is, you know, just another little facet of dating that, uh, comes down to like a nice, like, we need to find like a nice balance. Right. And whenever I have met a couple of people when dating that have had the good kind of game, right, it really does. I think boil down to just a few little things that they do well, and you are totally free to disagree with me to each of their own. We all like different things and are attracted to different, different attributes that people, you know, bring to the table on a date. But I do think it all starts with texting. I do. And by God, that takes effort. So if you're texting five different people, my guess is your game is not very strong or you're exhausted because that's a lot to keep up with. Oh, I think the best interactions that I've had are when I'm not talking to a bunch of different people at the same time, but maybe I'm really, really into just one person and we make a real connection and I'm able to put actual time, attention, thought and energy into just them. That's hot. Like that's when things go well, right. And you can, you can like look forward to like something that makes you smile. It's like when you pick up your phone and you do, oh, that's so cute. Like that worked. I like it. Now I'm telling you, I've been out here, this go around for like three years. Right. I mean, it hasn't happened very much. There's been like little glimmers and little, little, you know, little bits of little thrills of excitement along the way, but like really leaving like a lasting mark. No, not much, not much at all. I mean, if I had to dig back into my, into my, uh, you know, recent history and it goes all the way back to John Denver, that should say something because he was, I actually dated him just before, just when my divorce was finalizing. So, I mean, that's been a minute, it's kind of, kind of sad. It's kind of sad. But anyway, back to my point, I think it starts with your it's just ability to communicate. I mean, I mean, I keep relating back to talking to my girlfriends about this episode and getting some feedback from everyone. And it's like, we all appreciate a compliment. We all appreciate, and this goes both ways and it's not like, oh, you compliment me. So now I have to compliment you. But that true, genuine, sincere flirtation, it typically revolves around something that someone really likes about you. Oh, what? I just remembered another story I wanted to tell. So, um, when I was divorced the first time from Laney's dad and I, after a boyfriend and I had broken up and I was kind of out there dating and I had my sights set on this guy who, I don't honestly think he was very into me. He was a few years older. I was not in a really great place, you know, after, after a breakup. And I think he knew that. And so he was really cautious around me, but God was I into him and we did go out like on a little coffee date. And it was so interesting to me because after we had our little coffee date and like we texted and talked again, and I don't remember if this was a long time ago, if, if it was a text message or an actual conversation, I think it was a text though. And he, he complimented all of these features about me, that I considered that things that I was insecure about. Basically he complimented things that I definitely did not see as strong qualities. So it was things like my hair. Okay. I mean, my hair is like, are you kidding me? I would die to have my daughter's hair, a big thick head of curly hair. I mean, my hair's like, eh, like wish I had more of it. You know, whatever. Like it's not my strong suit. Like nobody's gonna look at me and be like, oh, you have beautiful hair, Stacy. No, I have like, okay. Hair me, like whatever. Okay. I remember he complimented like my hands and I'm like, are you joking? Like I have, like, I have like little girl hands. Like I have really small hands. Like I don't, there's nothing special. Like I, my friend's daughter. Oh, I'll just shout out grace. Grace could be a hand model. My friend's daughter has a beautiful, like, I don't even, I mean, seriously hand model, hand model, hands, like long skinny fingers, beautiful nails. Like hand model hands. I don't have hand model hands. Why is he complimenting my hands? Like, if you wanna compliment me, like back then I was 30. I'm like compliment my body. Tell me I have pretty eyes. Like I have my eye. My eyelashes are real. I don't do anything to enhance them, compliment my freaking eyelashes. That's like, that would mean something to me. Those are the things that I think like, I guess to like, to each their own, why do I keep using that phrase? We all find different things. Beautiful. And we all find different things to celebrate in each other. So maybe my feelings about this guy, as I'm saying all this out loud was because I was just insecure back then. I don't know. Maybe they were honest compliments and he liked my hair and he liked my hands. I don't know, but I, I took it as like insincere or like seriously, like that's what he, that's what he chooses to like talk to me about that's so strange. I found it to be very weird. Like, I don't know, but I guess before I, I went off on this tangent, it is a common denominator, I think for game to be able to like, make someone feel special in hopefully a really sincere and honest way and to be able to verbalize it and, and not hold back because I think having game I've used the word, like confidence, a lot balls as my friend said, confidence, but not arrogance. Hopefully like that, that goes a long way. I mean, for anyone, like, I try really hard if I see someone like if I'm on a first date and I'm into'em, I absolutely compliment them. And I mean it, man, I will find the things that I like about him. And I will say them out loud with a smile on my face and a twinkle in my eye because when I'm smitten, why on earth would I cover that up? Like for the right person it's gonna be received? Well, I guess you just have to whatever, have it in you to say it out loud. And communication's a big piece of this. Just being able to say what you mean and not worry about the consequences, like my friend, you know, I don't have any panties on that worked. I just found a couple more notes of, of old, old dates that I went on that I wanted to mention. So I went on another coffee date, um, back in the day when I was around, whatever 30 ish, 31 years old, something like that went on this date with this older guy. And I just found him incredibly sexy. He was like Italian, dark hair. Um, the body type, I tend to like, like, you know, a little bit taller and thin and fit and dress nice. Had a good sense of style, whatever. So we connect, we go out to coffee, super pleased to meet him. I'm pretty freaking amped. Like I'm excited about this date sitting across from him. And, um, I remember a few things that he said, and this is so funny as to what stood out in my mind. Um, this guy had game, he did and I was into it, uh, when I probably shouldn't have been like, I think he had the, um, the more of a manipulative game, not a true game, I guess. And he, oh, I know, actually I know because yeah, I got hurt by him actually after only a coffee date and a hug, he still managed to hurt my feelings. So anyway, we are out on a date and in the middle of our very first conversation, uh, face to face, he admitted to me that he had had a nose job. So he was kind of talking about his ex-wife and I think the nose job changed some things between them, because my guess is his confidence went through the roof. And I don't know, maybe it led him astray. Maybe you hear about those people who like lose a lot of weight or get a boob job. And all of a sudden they're sleeping with other people and high on life and high on themselves or whatever that guy kind of gave me that sort of vibe. So he's telling me that he'd had a nose job and like, did that bother me? Well, no, I don't even know what you looked like before. I like how you look now, whatever. I don't really give a. And within the conversation he asked, um, he asked me how I felt about cosmetic surgery. And I was like, I mean, I, I don't know what you mean. Like I'm, I'm, I don't mind that you got a nose job, but my thought afterwards was is he like hinting that I need cosmetic surgery? Like I did not have a boob job yet. No, probably got that done about a year after I met that guy. And my guess is he was kind of feeling me out because he had already, uh, sized me up if you will. And was like, yeah, that's not really what I'm looking for. Wonder if she could be persuaded. That is how I took it. I don't know if that's how he meant it, but that guy I haven't thought about in a long time, but he did end up canceling a date on me. Like, because he didn't feel good, like 45 minutes before he was supposed to show up. He just, honestly, he bowed out long story, but he ended up like pursuing me for months after that. And I had learned enough by that point in my dating life at that age that I was like, yeah, screw you and never went out with him. But, uh, didn't really mean to go there. But I mean, that was a guy whose game just felt a little off. Right? Not in a, like his game didn't come with sincerity or honesty or, uh, good intentions. And thankfully, I guess my gut told me that as I'm talking about game and all of that, there's so many different topics that are kind of intertwined. Right? And like, I think like the art of flirting that is, uh, probably like a podcast episode that I need to put together because that's a big piece of this. It's a big piece of this and I have a million different things to say, but I think if we are aspiring to have game as a man or a woman, I, it is my opinion, my opinion only, I'm not even gonna speak for my friends here. I think it needs to be sexy. It needs to be fun, sincere, genuine, honest, and played with good intention. Yeah. To me, that is a good game. And I can't say good game without wanting to like slap someone on the. Anybody else? You know, we're slapping hands here. Good game. Good game. Good game. Good game. Aw, good game. Yeah. Yeah. That's how that works as always. Thank you so much for listening to episode 52 G game. Thank you so, so much to my listeners. Um, I so appreciate you and pretty please do share the podcast with a friend or a loved one. Someone who you think might get a kick out of it, uh, might be going through a hard time, separation, divorce, breakup, whatever. Uh, hopefully it will bring a smile to their face and up next, I'll give you the promise of it. Don't have a title yet. Uh, something about how, when you're single married, people start coming out of the woodwork, like hitting on you, especially on Facebook, social media, stuff like that. I have stories, my friends have stories and we don't wanna be a side piece. Nope. Just, I think we're just easy targets. Yeah. That's what I'm gonna talk about next until then you've got two weeks to catch up on any episodes you've missed.