Ep55~ Red Flags

This episode is all about red flags - how to spot them and how to respond to them. I share my own stories of red flags from my past as well as from my current dating life.
To begin, I talk about little pink flags- early flags that have popped up when I've just been texting or getting to know someone before a first date. A guy that I got to know early in 2020 is a great example. Some of the flags that bothered me:

• Texting too frequently
• Sharing every detail of daily life
• Talking too much about their work( instead of getting to know one another)
• Talking negatively about their job

Then, I share some examples of red flags from my more recent dating life:

• Being unkind/rude to hostess, waitress, bar tender, valet, etc.
• Looking at a dating app while on a date.
• Being distracted by their phone while on the date (without explanation).
• They're currently  in a toxic situation with an ex and they share details
• Signs of substance abuse and addiction 
• Use of drugs/alcohol that doesn't align with your lifestyle
• Lying 
• Love bombing - Identifying when it's genuine & authentic V a red flag
• Consuming all of your time
• Isolating you from friends/family
• Jealousy - of any relationship we have, including our children
• Feelings of being controlled or unfairly accused
• Moving uncomfortably fast 
• Being critical of you (especially your appearance or things you can't change) 

I think time is crucial in deciphering flags from isolated, insignificant behaviors. Paying attention to actions (not only words) over the course of weeks and months will help us decide if we're seeing red flags that necessitate a break up. Pay attention to what is right in front of your face and recognize that is who you are choosing- not their potential.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Welcome to man shopping with Stacy, where I share my real transparent dating and life experiences for your amusement and inspiration. You are listening to episode 55 red flags. If you are like me and you've been divorced, maybe you have spent some time contemplating. Why didn't I see the red flags? Why didn't I notice them pay attention to them and act on them? When I met my ex, well, we all know why, because we were smitten. We were in love. We were young, dumb, naive, whatever it was, we all have our excuses. And if you're also like me now, and you're back out in the dating world, you are hell bent on spotting. These things<laugh> and some of us, well, some of us are better than others and some of us like to learn the hard way, and some of us have repeated the same mistakes over and over again. So this episode very clearly is all about red flags. It makes sense to me to start off by talking about like little pink flags, you know, early red flags. Maybe when we are texting, getting to know someone talking on the phone or setting up or going on initial dates, a pretty clear example comes to my mind of this guy that I call Freddie Kruger because<laugh> most of his, like his dating profile, pick his LinkedIn, pick his Facebook pick. We're all taken in this like rugby, striped red and black sweater, same photo, all of the platforms called him Fred Kruger for it. So anyway, Fred Kruger, he, um, I met him very early in the year of 2020. So he lived in a different city and we were just getting to know each other through chatting on a dating app. And then we exchanged phone numbers and texted, and we had one measly phone conversation. And I don't know, you could take this as a flag. Maybe it was just an annoyance, but clearly we both were working from home and had more time on our hands than normal. But this guy, this guy seemed to be using all of his free time to message me. And I've joked about him a couple of times, but seriously, it was something like this. I went outside with 10 bags of mulch and put it in the front bed of my house. And then a couple hours later, I had to, you know, pick up another load of mulch and put that on the side of the house. And then I worked for a couple of hours and ate a sandwich for lunch and worked out and showered and, you know, scratched my and took a nap. I'm like, please, for the love of God, spare me the details. So clearly, like it was irritating. It was annoying. I didn't like hearing about his every, you know, detail of his every day. I didn't know him. Um, but more than just being like annoyed, it was a flag. Like, do you have anyone else to talk to that might care about some of this more than I do, or are you really like that boring or<laugh> maybe it was just a matter of like a lack of self awareness, right? And that's a flag to me. I don't wanna be with someone that, you know, first of all spends their, every waking moment giving me status updates or like that doesn't recognize maybe he should just keep some of that stuff to himself, whatever the case may be. Little pink flags. Right. Furthermore, when I did finally get this guy on the phone, Ooh, I just remembered something. He refused to FaceTime me. So that's a flag. I know that FaceTiming is not everyone's cup of tea. We're kind of all exhausted by zooms. And some people are more put off by it than others, but this was at the beginning of the pandemic. And that was the only way, uh, we were going to meet each other and he refused to do it. And that was definitely a flag, especially because he wasn't, he didn't exactly have a lot of photos out there for me to really see what he looked like. And let's be real. That's kind of the name of the game. When you first meet someone online, you kinda kind of have to see some pictures to, uh, kinda, I don't know, figure out if you're into'em a little bit, that's a piece of it. Right. And I had a plethora of pictures out, so it seemed just a little unfair to me. So I settled for a phone call and I guess I wasn't surprised at all that he was a drag on the phone. So not a lot to say in conversation. And he was a complainer. That's a flag. I mean, if you can't put your best foot forward on an initial phone conversation with someone that you're hoping to hit it off with impress, however you wanna say it, then, you know, going to the conversation, thinking of a few things that you have in common that you wanna talk about or ask about or whatever. But what he did was he complained a lot. And one of the big topics of his complaints was his job. And so he spent a decent amount of time complaining that his company had been bought out and he wasn't happy with the new company and blah, blah, blah, which one is a boring conversation to have with someone that you're trying to, you know, know, uh, feel something for, or spark some sort of romantic connection with work is not the best topic, you know, to find that sort of common ground. And then also it was just negative in general. And I, I think it's a really bad idea when you're first getting to know someone. I mean, we all go there and have our bad days and all of that, but I mean, our first phone conversation was just him complaining about his work environment. And again, that should have been saved for someone other than me. That's how I saw it anyway. So those are a few flags, right? Moving on to some of the red flags that people talk frequently about in regards to like first dates. I mean the most obvious, like low hanging fruit is when someone is rude to the hostess, the bartender, the waiter, the waitress, the valet, right? That's just a bad sign when people don't treat people in the service industry. Well, they are typically, you know. I think there's a lot of truth in that. In fact, I had gone on a couple of dates with a guy that I had some reservations about and one of my reservations, um, call it a flag I guess, was that I felt like his crowd was just a little faster than mine. If that makes sense.<laugh> like his friends were quite a bit younger. His ex-girlfriend was much younger than me. He was actually several years older than me. Um, but he just hung out with a young crowd kind of like out, you know, late at night, not exactly living the type of lifestyle that I live because he also didn't have any children. So trying not to judge him for any of those things. I remained open minded until one of the tipping points. One of the big red flags was that a friend of mine had spotted him and his crew out and they were being rude to the valet and she saw it. And I was like, yeah, no, like I do not wanna be associated with people who are, you know, mean rude, not kind, those, aren't my kind of people we're not gonna mesh well because I don't live like that. And I don't wanna be around people who do another story that I heard about a red flag on a date. In fact, it was a girlfriend of mine asking a couple of us, other single ladies, our thoughts on this, she was on a first date after a lot of, you know, early on communication. Uh, first or second date, the guy picked her up. He was in her driveway. Um, I think he texted when he arrived. I mean, honestly, I, I think he should have gone up to the front door, rang the doorbell. Like a gentleman walked her to the car, opened the door for her, but that's not what he did. He was sitting in his car. And when she got in the car, he had a dating app pulled up and she saw it. So of course she assumed that he was sitting there chatting with someone else on the dating app while she was finishing up, getting ready and coming out to his car. I mean, yeah, that's, that's a flag and you know, some of us would be more sensitive to that than others probably dependent on a lot of things. How much time had we invested in this person? I mean, honestly, how much do we like'em our feelings are more likely to get hurt if we're pretty into'em, that's hurtful to know that they're talking to other people, even if we're not exclusive yet. And then there's just the basic etiquette of all of it. It's just rude, you know, to be going on a date with someone and communicating with someone else during the date. And I think that it is all too common. I know it happens. And then of course, there's just been distracted by our phones in general. Is that a flag or is it just an annoyance when someone is on their phone a lot, you know, I find myself saying out loud, oftentimes, Hey, I'm gonna check in with my daughter, you know, or gimme just a second. I need to see, you know, blah, blah, blah, if my puppy's being taken care of or this or that. Um, but I, I, I definitely think it's rude when people are distracted by their phones, but you know, is it considered a red flag? I think it could be. I think it could be an extreme situations, right? Some of the bigger red flags, if you will, that I hear about and have experienced on my own on first dates would be talking about their ex excessively. So I've done this, I've been accused of this. I've also been on the receiving end of this a lot. Is it a flag? Does it mean that the person is still obsessed with their ex or not healed yet? Not over their ex or is it common ground? Is the fact that, you know, the two of you or two of us are both divorced and that's something we have in common to talk about. Um, it, it could be perceived a million different ways and I've debated it and talked about it in a lot of different podcasts. I think that it's a red flag when it's an incredibly toxic situation that the person is still in. That is, that's a red flag. It's only a red flag. If you are trying to build a relationship with that person, in my opinion, if it's just a date, it's just a date. If you're not vested, it doesn't matter that person's not your problem. But if you were looking toward this data views, that's, you know, in a very complicated, toxic situation with their ex and you're looking to begin a relationship or get emotionally attached, definitely be a red flag because their concerns and their emotional trauma beco becomes yours. You know, when, when you become a couple. So, I mean, that's a tough one. So I guess I consider that red flag to be circumstantial. It just is as are a lot of these<laugh> hang with me here. So, um, another really common thing that I've heard a lot about, I really haven't experienced it too much. Myself is the red flag of abuse or addiction abusing alcohol substances, drugs, um, or actually being, you know, having an addiction to something. So I've heard, you know, stories that I consider to be kind of funny. Sometimes of people showing up really ed up on the first date, like super drunk slurring words, you know, not able to hold conversations. I think, um, sometimes it's funny and sometimes it's really sad and at the heart of all of it, it's probs a lot more sad than funny, right? Either people are, you know, abusing substances, alcohol, whatever their choice is before a date, because they're, um, scared, they're nervous, they're anxious, they're insecure, um, or that's just how they live. And so that's how they show up to a lot of things. So, um, sometimes it's really blatant like that. And sometimes it's not, I had a male friend of mine tell what we consider to be kind of a funny story on an earlier podcast from season one about how he showed up to a very first date. And the woman actually was followed into the restaurant and, and got a DUI. Like they did a field sobriety. They, they pulled her out of the restaurant to do the field sobriety test in the parking lot because she was absolutely inebriated. Um, and it was told in a funny light and I mean, what are the odds? You know, it was kind of just one of those. Here we go. Like we're out in the dating world and that's the kind of we have to deal with seriously. Um, so that was like an extreme example, but I've heard a lot, I've heard a lot of stories of people, you know, showing up to introduce themselves, you know, with like definitely not their best foot forward because they're, they're messed up and it's sad, but it happens a lot. And then, you know, someone like me coming out of, um, a marriage with a man who suffered from addiction, I am incredibly guarded, like very, very, very high alert watching for issues. Um, on every single date I listen, I pay attention. I watch, I know that actions are louder than words. And so I, I just, I'm a stickler on it. And I also have a teenage daughter that I'm trying to provide a very, um, good example on how I live my life. And so my moral compass, like points in very clear directions to me on this topic. So I'm not a prude. I'm not like, I mean, I drink, I have fun. I'm, you know, I'm pretty easygoing about most things. And then I know where my firm boundaries are and my firm boundaries have been tested. They've been tested couple different times with a couple different guys and I have literally ended early on, but I've ended relationships because our lifestyles don't align and it typically, you know, comes down to, um, alcohol and or drug use. That's uncovered over the course of time, frequency of all of that. Um, all, all of that comes up and I know I'm not the only one. And I know it's not just because I came out of a marriage with addiction that I'm super sensitive. I think I'd be sensitive to all of that anyway. Um, but I listen and when people tell me, you know, I've had a DUI or okay, like that could happened to me. Like I'm not, I, I'm very cognizant of, um, making poor choices, you know, here and there. And then I also recognize the lifestyle difference and the habitual mistakes and differences and the behaviors of people, um, consistently over the course of time, you know, show up all those little flags can add up and, and, and relationships. So I think drugs and alcohol, it's a big reason why marriage is end, uh, very well known fact. And I'm talking all sorts of addiction, gambling, porn, um, drugs, alcohol opioids, you know, all of that is like so sadly common. And so there are plenty of us divorced people running around with, um, you know, know, addictions that we haven't sought help for or treatment or been rehabilitated from. So it's just, it's sad, but true. And it's definitely something, uh, that I watch for red flags and I have no trouble communicating when I'm uncomfortable. And when ultimately we are just not a good fit because we live differently. Um, and I've chosen to have very clear conversations with two men now that it's just not gonna work out because I'm very sensitive about this. I put it on myself. I am, it's my, my issue. I'm sensitive about this. I'm not comfortable. I'm not comfortable for my daughter. And so, uh, we're done here, period. End of story. Right? Boundaries people still learning them as, I guess a lot of you are too. Probably how about this one for a red flag? Just lying. They just lie. I mean, I can't say that I've experienced this a lot, but I sure did experience it in one relationship in particular, pretty much the only guy that I consider to have been in a relationship with after my second marriage lied to me consistently, we're talking flat tires, flat tire, oh, it got a flat tire, a flat tire that took all day to fix a flat tire that kept us from an important event, a flat tire that like, for some reason, I couldn't drive to the dealership to pick him up and Ubers. All of a sudden don't exist like that type of flat tire lie. Um, so obvious, absolutely obvious. And when this guy told me this flat lie, flat lie<laugh> was, it was a flat out lie, the, uh, flat tire story that kept us from our important event that we were going to go to. Uh, you know what I did, I, I just acted like he didn't lie to me. I knew it was a lie. Like I told, I told like four people that day. Okay, look, he called me. He said that he ran over a flat tire this morning. He's been at the car dealership for we're looking at hours. Now he won't let me pick him up. He doesn't wanna rent a car or get an Uber. So we're not going to said event today. I'm not stupid. I know he lied to me, but with him, this was the guy that I just ignored his lies. Um, I took note that they didn't go away. Um, I chose to go, okay. Because I, I knew him pretty well. And I felt like maybe there here's me making an excuse was a good reason, like something changed. And he didn't feel comfortable telling me what circumstances had changed. And so he made up this stupid lie. So I just let him off the hook. I chose to let him off the hook until the lies and the red flags just kept stacking up. Right. So, um, lying. Here's a, here's a really good one. Same day, two big, huge doozy lies came out of this guy and the exact same day. So it was a wedding that was the event that we missed. We missed a wedding. Um, but we went to the reception. So see how easy it is to go, oh, it's fine. Like, obviously something happened and we're not gonna go to this wedding. And he lied, but you know what? We're still gonna go to the reception. So what ifs I'm over it. I don't even care what drama is behind it. I'm just gonna go to the reception with him and have fun. And then you guys, there's this whole MIS like completely mysterious house that this guy lives in. So this is a situation where this man was not divorced. He was separated. I was separated. Supposedly both working toward divorce. I certainly was, as I am currently divorced, right?<laugh> this guy not so much. He was in some weird like limbo, open marriage. I don't know. But he told me that he had this house that he lived in. So for whatever reason, over and over again, I couldn't like go see his house. Like we just didn't ever go to his house. We ended up like just, we, we went out, we went out to dinner, we went out to happy hour. We went out to all sorts of places. He ended up eventually coming over to my place, um, on a regular basis. Finally, I went to his house and I mean, it was newly furnished<laugh> and not very personalized, but it was put together enough in a very fake showy kind of way to look half what? Legitimate. Like he might be able to stay nights. There here's another mystery. His bedroom was completely furnished. Put together, looked like he probably stayed there. But for some reason, his kids' bedroom doors were closed and he flat out, refused to open the doors. You guys wanna know if you ever question how polite Stacy weer is? Let me tell you how polite I am. He gave me a tour of his house. He said, oh, the kids' rooms are just a disaster. I'm not even gonna show'em to you. You guys come on. I knew that there was nothing behind those doors. There was no little toddler bed. There was no bookcase. There was no toys behind the door. There was, there was none of that. Uh, his kids clearly never stayed in that house, but I didn't wanna out him because I was embarrassed for him. Like I was seriously was embarrassed for him. I mean, he had like brand new towels that were sitting out in the bathroom. I looked in the shower. There was no kids' stuff in the bathtub. Like it was so obvious that if he did ever stay in that house, he stayed there by himself and PRS. Not very often. I mean, the guy was still living at home. Right. I let it go. I let it go. I, I let that red flag wave, like smack me in the face. And I just, I didn't ignore it. I told everybody about it.<laugh> I knew he was lying. I wasn't stupid, but I didn't hold him accountable. So we were supposed to stay in that house that I had seen one time we were supposed to stay in that house after this wedding. And I mean, the second big lie of that day was that the, it was a rental house. The landlord had had the ducks cleaned the air ducts cleaned in this house. And I mean, there was just so much dust and it was so dirty that there was no way that we were going to be able to stay there that night. I mean, I'm no genius, but I don't think when you have your air ducts clean, your house is filthy. Afterwards. The entire point is to purify the air coming out of the system. That doesn't happen. It was a stupid lie. I knew it was completely fabricated. And guess what I did, I went to that wedding reception and I went to a hotel and I had a fun night and I didn't give a. I didn't give a because I wasn't committed to a future with him. I knew exactly what was going on. I would, I did not have blinders on, but I chose to just not care still didn't end. Well, guys let's be real. I mean, I still ended up getting hurt in the end, but, um, I think that's a truth about the red flags too. Like you can be cognizant of them be aware. I, I tried to hold myself accountable by telling my friends and loved ones so that I, cuz I have a bad history, especially with my second ex-husband of just keeping secrets and letting everyone think that everything's perfect. And so I don't do that anymore. So when I find faults, when I'm lied to, when I'm mistreated, I tell people as a way to keep myself honest and I did all of that with this guy, but I still like just kind of tucked those flags away for a, for a while long enough to end up hurt, you know, instead of just going, let's see what's behind door number two, you know, and, and, and outing him. I just didn't do it cuz I'm too polite. That's part of it. Okay. So I'm gonna move on. How about the common, common, like phrase that's tossed around a lot, which is like love bombing, right? Someone just absolutely becomes infatuated obsessed with you, loves everything about you tells the whole world about you tells you how perfect and special you are right out of the gates. I mean it sure feels good. It feels good to be noticed. It feels good to feel appreciated, to feel special, to be loved or admired or adored or liked a lot early on. It feels good and it can be hard. It can be hard. I've I've, I've, I've experienced this a little bit and it's hard to know if it's genuine, authentic, and healthy, or if it is a red flag<laugh> and you should run in the other way, it can be very hard to tell. And I think about the only thing that makes this kind of situation clearer is time. I think seeing how someone treats you, you know, over the course of weeks or months and paying close attention to their actions and not just their words is, um, is about the only thing that distinguishes, you know, love bombing from actually someone just really thinking you're great. Um, and I think, you know, the differences would be, if someone starts, you know, consuming all of your time, making you feel like you need to be with them all the time, making you feel like you need to be at their backend call, they text a lot, they call a lot, they plan all of, you know, everything around you and they expect the same. You start to feel isolated from your friends, from your family. You can't keep up with life with your job. Um, there's usually jealousy involved. Uh, if they say they're jealous or not, maybe you can tell, right. Maybe they ask a couple of forward questions. Like who was that? Who just called make you feel like maybe you did something wrong that you really didn't do. Um, jealousy is a flag on its own, you know, that we could talk about, um, people who are jealous of, you know, your friends of the opposite sex or jealous of your ex or someone that you used to date. I mean, let's be real, I've had some conversations about this lately to like none of us wanna be compared to your ex-wife<laugh> right. Or your ex your ex-husband or your ex-girlfriend none of us wanna be compared. Um, oftentimes when you start to develop feelings for someone it's hard to listen to intimate details of any nature, uh, regarding an ex, you have to be sensitive about that stuff. And I'm guilty of it. I, I tell a lot of dating stories and stuff when I meet people and you know, it's pretty harmless, um, when it's just a date and then it becomes a bigger issue when feelings, feelings get involved feelings get in the way, um, you know, my ex-husband was, I mean, admittedly jealous of the, my closeness with my daughter Laney, he was, he would say, it's you and Laney against the world. And I'd be like, well, I mean, yeah, kind of, um, that's unhealthy, um, to be jealous of those relationships with your children, that's not okay. That's a flag, that's a flag. Um, I didn't see that flag for a while to be fair to myself, but it was there, you know, um, the, the obvious flags are when they don't want you to spend time with your friends or they're, they're not comfortable with you going to events without them because they're insecure. And I think what we really have to pay attention to are their intentions and their motivations and how we feel, how we feel matters. Um, so if we feel like we are being controlled, if we feel like, um, you know, we're being accused of things that we have not necessarily done wrong, or if we feel as though we can't make decisions for ourselves anymore, that's a, those are big flags, big flags. And I think that they're pretty common and I think they need to be addressed like right away. I mean, some of these red flags are really obvious, right. We, we know that being lied to is not okay. That's a red flag. I mean, if that behavior's happening in the first couple of months of dating, like, what do you think you're in for? Right. We all know that we should be cautious of moving too fast with someone, but it's hard when you're into somebody to slow down. It is it's really hard, especially when the person is really into you and wants to spend a lot of time with you. We all know that it's probs, not okay to have active addictions and, um, you know, a dangerous kind of lifestyle. But I mean, it's kind of amazing what we're willing to put up with if they're charming enough or, you know, whatever intriguing enough, fun enough, whatever. We'll overlook a lot of things, um, in the midst of lust and excitement of meeting someone new. So it's all like circumstantial, right? And it's that fine line between listening to your heart and, you know, listening to your logical brain. It's tough. Red flags are hard, man. And these were all kind of like the obvious big ones. And I know I haven't covered.'em all. There's no way I could, but boy, are there a lot more like subtle red flags? Like, I don't know if you guys have ever experienced this, but I have where someone that you're dating compliments you a lot. Super sweet. You look beautiful. Oh, you're so pretty. I love that dress on you. You look great tonight. God, you smell good. I love, I love that lipstick on you, whatever it is. Lots of nice compliments, lots of nice flattery. And then every once in a while they get a weird little critical jab in I've had it happen to me. And I'm really sensitive to that too. So in my second marriage, I did not receive compliments. I mean like ever, ever, ever, I could probably count on one hand in eight years, how many times I was genuinely complimented at all, um, for my appearance, for my personality, for my food that I made for the house that I kept for the kids that I raised, any of it, I just did not receive compliments. And it was something that I just learned to accept as fact, and it was hurtful and all of that, but I just lived with it. Right. But what I did, um, experience on a regular basis was criticism that was intended to just take me down a notch, just something obscure and weird about me. Um, especially about my appearance, that, um, was a turnoff or something to make me insecure about like, you know, when kids are being mean in school and they'll just find anything unusual or slight to make fun of just to bring somebody else down. That's what would happen to me, me sometimes. Like, there's,<laugh> like I have like this kind of ugly mole on the back of my neck, like under my hairline and my ex hated it and would point it out all the time like that he didn't like it, like it was ugly or it was there. Um, he would say things like my toes were chubby. I mean really like, oh, great, awesome. Cuz I can do something about that. You know? I mean, whatever it's stuff like that, I think, you know where I'm going with this. So, um, so I'm kind of seeing this guy, not that long ago and he's so adoring and affectionate and sweet and complimentary and it's just so like, I just haven't experienced that a lot in, um, you know, like a dating relationship or whatever and I'm totally, totally loving it and it's awesome. And I feel like I'm treating him the same way in return and then<laugh> then it happens. And I, I seriously like, um, it was like post traumatic stress, like we're in conversation and he's telling me that his kid was complimenting me. Oh my gosh. She said the cutest things about you cuz I met his kid and um, he's like, she just thought you were this and this. And it was so nice. And then he said, I mean, she said, you look like you're in your thirties, in your face, but your hands look like they're in their forties. And I'm like, what? Really? An eight year old said that boy, she is something she's very perceptive. And she is so maybe she did say it, but why on earth? Would you tell me that? She said that because it's hurtful. Like every woman has concerns about things like stupid things like your ear lobes drooping or your knees getting wrinkly or sun spots on your chest or whatever. And I was like, I mean, whenever he said it, I just kind of giggled it off cuz it is, I actually could see his daughter saying that, but I, I actually don't think she did, but um, she might have whatever I wishy washy. It doesn't matter. Why did he tell me that? She said it. So I definitely analyzed the hell out of it. Like I do most things in life and I recognized that behavior and the way that it made me feel so well. I mean, I lived it for a long time and it's subtle and it's not necessarily mean, but it's hurtful. And I think it's purposeful. And I think the purpose of saying little things like that, um, making fun of a ugly mole, making fun of your, whatever. I'm very Vay. That's another thing that has been pointed out to me by certain people throughout my life. Like these bright green veins that run EV you can see them everywhere. I'm like a roadmap. Um, things like that, that I, I obviously know about myself. I can't change. Don't wanna change. There's no way to change. I mean the full spectrum, but I'm like someone who cares about you, isn't going to point out your flaws or your perceived flaws. They just won't do that. That's not okay. That's not nice. It's not healthy. Um, that's a subtle red flag. That's how I saw it because I don't wanna be with someone who subtly makes me feel like on, you know, common occurrences. I just don't wanna be made to feel that way. So I took note, you know, of that red flag and again, one comment alone does not create, you know, a big, huge waving red flag, but it's consistency of saying and doing things like that repeatedly that makes it, uh, draw our awareness hopefully, and then hopefully action as well. Right? So one of my favorite quotes has become when people show you who they are, believe them. I think I said it right. I might have paraphrased it. It's a Maya quote. It's so true. Um, I think when we first meet people, I love I've always, oh boy. I mean, I am so guilty of seeing the potential in someone or seeing the best in someone and that's a gift and that's a beautiful thing. But when you're looking for a partner, you have to look at what is exactly right in front of your face. And if they appear to be negative, lazy, rude, um, you see them in action acting that way toward other people. That's who they are.<laugh> are they capable of being kind polite, neighborly. Sure. But that's not them. That's not what they show you. Right. And um, one of the biggest lessons in, um, analyzing past marriages and relationships that I learned were I was told outright, like to my face, um, you probably shouldn't be with me. This is what's wrong with me. This is who I am literally. And I was like, oh no, that's not true, but I love you. I wanna be with you. I mean, if I had, if I had taken his words literal and to heart, I would've said, wow. He just told me that he's this way he has these problems. He's going to hurt me. That was, that's been told to me, I will just break your heart. I will just end up hurting you. And it's like, I saw it as a freaking challenge. Bring it. I want it. I want your hurt. I want your pain. I want your challenge. Um, I don't do that anymore. People, uh, I just don't do that anymore. I look at what is in front of my face, who I see today. I don't dream, uh, a dreamy dream of what they're gonna look like five years from now or how they're gonna treat me next month or next date or, or whatever. I really try very hard to see them for who they are right in front of my face and believe them. And it's serving me well, although I am, as you can probably tell quite guarded and pretty scrupulous<laugh> um, I mean, I'm doing my best to guard my heart. Like I talk about in a lot of these episodes. So, um, you know, I'd rather be overly cautious, quite frankly. I would rather, I would rather err on the side of caution and maybe being a little too particular and a little too careful than throwing caution to the wind, ignoring some things expecting better next time, hoping for a better wishing praying for better. No, I pretty much just go with reality now. So that's my choice of what I do with red flags<laugh> and again, these flags are subjective and I don't really give a after, you know, having conversations with different friends and different family members, you know, red flags and deal breakers are two different things and I've shared red flags with people and had them say, oh, but I really like that guy. Like let's give him another chance or let's give him a little bit more time. And you know, sometimes I listen sometimes I don't, but at the end of the day, um, sometimes red flags do become deal breakers, right? So I think I should probably do a deal breaker's episode at some point that is on my list. But up next episode, what are we on? I think the next episode after this is 56, forgive me if I'm wrong. Uh, I'm gonna go ahead. I've already told you spoiler alert. It's gonna be green flags. So I will happily, uh, talk about all of the really great, healthy, happy, good stuff we should be looking for when we go on dates and meet new people. And as always, thank you so much for listening to the podcast and the highest compliment you can pay me. Well, actually there's a couple different ways you can share the podcast with someone. I love that so much. Um, I love hearing from people how they found the podcast and more often than not it's because a friend told them about it. So thank you guys for continuing to spread the word and grow the podcast. And, um, other than that, I absolutely love hearing from you all. So please do continue to reach out to me and let me know what you think of the podcast, uh, details, feelings, ideas you have for other episodes. I just love and appreciate you guys and yeah, keep me going. So thanks.